Welcome to Week Eight of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you think our Trifecta pick was awful, just listen to this.

The Hoser not only limped to another 6-7 record against the spread, but we also turned out a putrid 4-9 straight up. To top that, though, The Hoser dropped a fiver on a 20-1, five-game parlay -- and missed all five games. It's getting uglier than Tara Reid with her top off around here.

Amazingly, a woman in Ontario managed to nail all 13 games last weekend in the Pro-Line Pool, netting her a tidy $440,000CDN. And for all you smartasses out there, the Canadian dollar is almost on par with the American buck, so no, it's not like she won $12US. Come on up, people -- no Dubya and the health care's fine!

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today Wednesday odds as the spread, mainly because I've tried getting them from the Toronto Star, but looking at that paper makes me wish I had some crayons handy.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Dennis Green speak to your Boy Scout troop.

Houston @ TENNESSEE (-3): How strange is it that I'm more confident in the management of the Texans than that of the Cowboys? Texans 22, Titans 17.

Jacksonville @ PHILADELPHIA (-6): Some good came out of the Eagles' heartbreaking loss to Tampa Bay last week -- Philly QB Donovan McNabb has already landed the role of the little girl in a local theater company's stage remake of "The Exorcist". Eagles 27, Jaguars 20.

Atlanta @ CINCINNATI (-4): Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson this week asked reporters to refer to him as "Ocho Cinco" in reference to his jersey number. Given his one TD catch so far this year, "Senor Disappointment" might be more appropriate. Bengals 24, Falcons 22.

Tampa Bay @ NY GIANTS (-9): In a supreme psyche job, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is calling for Buccaneer kicker Matt Bryant to undergo testing for steroids, human growth hormone and some sort of fish paralyzer. Giants 26, Buccaneers 21.

San Francisco @ CHICAGO (-16.5): I haven't seen a spread this big since ... damn, I already used Courtney Love this season. Bears 30, 49ers 14.

Arizona @ GREEN BAY (-3): After falling last week to the lowly Raiders, Cards head coach Dennis Green has lost even the staunchest supporter of his managerial style -- former Cubs skipper Lee Elia. Packers 26, Cardinals 21.

Seattle @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Seahawks safety Michael Boulware has been benched. This comes after being outjumped by Torry Holt last week, biting on two play-action passes that resulted in long touchdowns against the Vikings two weeks ago, and announcing he had recently purchased several magic beans from a guy named Jack behind the practice facility. Chiefs 31, Seahawks 19.

Baltimore @ NEW ORLEANS (-2): Saints RB Reggie Bush is destined for greatness. I mean, if you can survive doing a commerical with Jon Lovitz ... Saints 20, Ravens 16.

St. Louis @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Given the troubles of Steve Foley and Shawne Merriman, the choice of the new rallying cry of the depleted Chargers defense -- "Be Always Lionhearted -- Chargers Overcome!" -- was probably a poor one. Chargers 31, Rams 24.

OAKLAND @ Pittsburgh (-9): The good news -- it looks like Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be fully recovered from the concussion he suffered last week. The bad news -- he came to convinced he's Neil O'Donnell. Steelers 30, Raiders 17.

New York Jets @ CLEVELAND (-2): New offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson takes over the Browns' offense, which is like being named crew chief for the Yugo NASCAR team. Jets 24, Browns 16.

New England @ MINNESOTA (+2): I have a strange hunch. That doesn't have anything to do with the Patriots/Vikings game -- I've just been walking stooped over recently. Vikings 27, Patriots 24.

Indianapolis @ DENVER (-2.5): In an effort to shore up their terrible run defense, the Colts traded for huge defensive tackle Anthony "Booger" Mcfarland. Head coach Tony Dungy said in announcing the deal, "We couldn't have picked a better guy to clog up the middle. He might be a little green, but he'll mucus ... err, make us better." Broncos 20, Colts 19.

Dallas @ CAROLINA (-4.5): It doesn't really matter of new Cowboys statring QB Tony Romo succeeds or not. I mean, he's always got his rib restaurants to fall back on, right? Jaguars 29, Cowboys 22.

Lock of the Week: New York Jets

Trifecta: New York Jets, Minnesota, New Orleans

Week Seven:

6-7 ATS

4-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$830

Overall:

51-48-1 ATS

68-31 SU

2-5 Lock

1-6 Trifecta

-$2,270