Welcome to Week Thirteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you’ve been simply doing the opposite of what we suggested, it finally cost you.

The Hoser went a moribund 8-8 against the spread and 10-6 straight up, but finally managed to hit on a Lock of the Week. Well, actually, our Ouija board picked New Orleans, but it also told us Elton John’s next video would feature a nude scene, and now we’re too creeped out to use it again.

The NFL shocker of the week was Bill Parcells cutting loose kicker Mike Vanderjagt after the Cowboys signed him to a three-year, $5.5M deal in the offseason. Vanderjagt wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible, but not surprisingly, he missed his plane.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Vick teach your kids sign language.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-3): Bengal speedburner Chris Henry snagged two TD passes against the Browns last week, but he’ll be hard-pressed to outrun the punishment of a possible DUI conviction this week. Insert “jail + wide receiver” joke here. Ravens 22, Bengals 17.

Indianapolis @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): In response to injuries, the Colts have signed WR Ricky Proehl. This is Proehl’s sixth NFL team, meaning he’s been picked up almost as much as Chris Henry. Colts 33, Titans 21.

Minnesota @ CHICAGO (-9.5): Bears QB Rex Grossman has 15 turnovers in the past six weeks. After the botched snap at New England’s five-yard line last week, we wondered – has anyone seen Grossman and Kurt Warner in the same room recently? Bears 20, Vikings 14.

Tampa Bay @ PITTSBURGH (-8.5): The Steelers have been relying increasingly on the pass, getting away from the run-oriented offence that brought them a Super Bowl title last season. You know you’re getting too predictable when Terry Bradshaw can guess the next play. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona @ ST. LOUIS (-6.5): Cardinals head coach Dennis Green said his team will pound the ball more after throwing 51 times and running just six last week. That’s about as balanced as having Bill O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson run your U.S. foreign policy debate. Rams 26, Cardinals 22.

Jacksonville @ MIAMI (-2): This whole Nick Saban thing is getting ridiculous. Our local Chick-fil-A put up a “Now Hiring” sign and Saban sent out a press release saying he wasn’t interested in the job. Dolphins 23, Jaguars 20.

San Francisco @ NEW ORLEANS (-7): In researching the possible legal battle over the 49ers’ name if the franchise relocates to Santa Clara, The Hoser discovered Rice-A-Roni’s headquarters are actually in Chicago. We understand, though, as “The San Francisco Treat” is probably a better slogan than “You’ll Feel The Windy City In Every Bite”. Saints 31, 49ers 13.

Atlanta @ WASHINGTON (-1.5): Yes, the ‘Skins won a game under new QB Jason Campbell, but favoured over the Falcons? To paraphrase the great Harvey Keitel, “Let’s not start SLAPPING each other’s BACKS just yet.” Well, that’s what he says on TBS, anyway. Falcons 22, Redskins 17.

Kansas City @ CLEVELAND (+5): After his little hissy fit on the sidelines last week, Browns WR Braylon Edwards said, “I wish I could do it back, but I can’t.” This explains Edwards grabbing QB Charlie Frye’s jersey for attention, as Edwards obviously can’t speak English. Chiefs 27, Browns 17.

Detroit @ NEW ENGLAND (-13.5): Lions GM Matt Millen nearly died of exposure this week after he was found sitting in his car outside a shuttered drive-in theatre. Millen later explained he had been waiting to see “Closed For The Winter.” Patriots 29, Lions 17.

San Diego @ BUFFALO (+6): Chargers LB Shawne Merriman returns from his four-game steroids suspension declaring he’s ready to play. Team doctors are a bit worried, however, after noticing Merriman’s physique now resembles Olive Oyl’s. Chargers 30, Bills 17.

NY Jets @ GREEN BAY (-1): Packers QB Brett Favre continued his amazing streak last week. No, not of making 252 consecutive starts – the other one where he makes at least three utterly stupid decisions in a game. Jets 24, Packers 20.

Dallas @ NY GIANTS (+3.5): The History Channel is currently cutting footage of the Hindenburg crash from its “Greatest New Jersey Disasters” special and adding a biography of Eli Manning. Cowboys 26, Giants 21.

Houston @ OAKLAND (-3): The Hoser can’t get excited about this game, but Oakland’s decision to demote Tom Walsh totally makes us want to Shoop (drops needle on Salt N’ Pepa and begins Cabbage Patching). Raiders 17, Texans 13.

Seattle @ DENVER (-4.5): Broncos QB Jake Plummer has been axed as the team’s starter, but he’s taking it well, saying it will allow him to devote more time to his film career. Plummer’s fighting not only a lack of acting experience, but also being typecast as a homeless guy. Seahawks 22, Broncos 20.

Carolina @ PHILADELPHIA (-3): Panther fans calling for the benching of their struggling quarterback, Jake Delhomme, are generally quieted by whispering two little words in their ears – Chris Weinke. Eagles 23, Panthers 21.

Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Chad Pennington, New York Jets – Pennington had a shaky couple weeks before getting the magic elixir that is the Houston Texans in Week 12. As long as the frozen tundra isn’t too frozen, Pennington should ice the league fourth-worst pass defense.

RB: Sammy Morris, Miami Dolphins – With Ronnie Brown out after hand surgery, Morris should get the lion’s share of the carries this week. Consider his backfield partner a Minor inconvenience and play this cat.

WR: Kevin Curtis, St. Louis Rams – Maybe Torry Holt kicked his dog or something, but QB Marc Bulger has suddenly stopped looking in Holt’s direction. That means targets for Curtis, and if he does well, remember Utah (State) it here first.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Kansas City, Indianapolis

Week Eleven:
8-8 ATS
10-6 SU
1-0 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
+$240

Overall:
81-92-2 ATS
111-64 SU
3-9 Lock
1-11 Trifecta
-$5,460

Welcome to Week Twelve of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re getting over our withdrawal from American Thanksgiving. Just don’t mention green bean casserole or we could relapse.

The Hoser finally started to rebound to early-season form, going 9-6-1 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Seriously – we counted like four times.

There was some excitement in the Hoser household also, as we had two Pro-Line cards with four games each and three right heading into Monday night. Unfortunately, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin somehow forgot he had Tiki Barber in his backfield while Eli Manning played with all the poise of Kirstie Alley in a Haagen-Dazs outlet. Thanks, Tom!

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking the world won’t notice you’re suddenly four inches taller in your wedding photos.

Editor's Note: Thanksgiving picks were up on the site on Thursday morning. As you can tell from the results, I didn't change anything.

Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.

Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.

Jacksonville @ BUFFALO (+3): Jaguars DT John Henderson continues his pre-game ritual of being slapped around by a trainer before taking the field. Oddly enough, it’s the same thing Clay Aiken does to get ready for a concert. Jaguars 27, Bills 17.

Houston @ NEW YORK JETS (-5.5): Texans OL Fred Weary had resisting arrest charges dropped against him this week after getting Tasered during a recent traffic stop. The two officers involved won’t be suspended, but they will be forced to spend two hours in a locked room listening to Roger Clemens talk about himself. Jets 20, Texans 17.

Pittsburgh @ BALTIMORE (-3): Ravens place kicker Matt Stover saw his run of 36 consecutive made field goals end last week. Stover hadn’t shanked one in more than a year and was chasing current Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, who hasn’t missed in the last … four minutes. Ravens 20, Steelers 16.

Cincinnati @ CLEVELAND (+3): Browns WR Braylon Edwards caught some flak from his teammates this week for questioning an early-season shot by DB Brian Russell’s on Cincy wide receiver Chad Johnson that left Johnson helmetless and with a huge gash on his chin. Physicists defended Russell, however, saying he was most likely sucked in by the gravitation pull from Johnson’s mouth. Bengals 28, Browns 20.

Arizona @ MINNESOTA (-6.5): Rumors are circulating the Cardinals have already decided to fire head coach Dennis Green at season’s end and hire former Lions coach Steve Mariucci. Arizona management denies it, and also refutes recently interviewing Tom Izzo for the job. Cardinals 22, Vikings 20.

San Francisco @ ST. LOUIS (-5.5): 49ers receiver Antonio Bryant displayed incredibly poor judgement this week. No, not just for his arrest for drunk driving – who buys a Lamborghini in orange? 49ers 24, Rams 23.

New Orleans @ ATLANTA (-3): Jim Mora Sr., father of the head coach of the Falcons and a former head coach in the NFL himself, called QB Michael Vick a “coach killer”. It should be taken with a grain of salt, however – the same day, he called his waitress at Denny’s a “Grand Slam killer”. Saints 23, Falcons 20.

Carolina @ WASHINGTON (+4): RB Clinton Portis’s hand injury will keep him out for the rest of the season, but he’ll keep trying to entertain the press with his costumed antics. Portis said he had hoped to play Dr. Evil, but that Redskins owner Dan Snyder quashed the idea after Portis said Snyder was too short to appear with him as Mini-Me. Panthers 23, Redskins 14.

Chicago @ NEW ENGLAND (-3): How explosive is Chicago’s defense? Ron Rivera just turned down the Raiders’ offensive coordinator job. Bears 16, Patriots 14.

Philadelphia @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9): With Donovan McNabb out for the season, Jeff Garcia takes over at quarterback. To make him feel more comfortable in the pocket, the Eagles have signed his girlfriend, Carmella DeCesare, to karate-kick any blitzing safeties. Colts 29, Eagles 22.

New York Giants @ TENNESSEE (+3): An injury has left him unable to practice much of the week, but Michael Strahan still found a way to get involved. He let Jay Feely kick through the gap in his teeth. Giants 24, Titans 19.

Oakland @ SAN DIEGO (-13): With Lamont Jordan out for the season, the Raiders will be forced to turn to Justin Fargas at running back. Fargas is the son of the actor who played “Huggy Bear”, but it doesn’t take Starsky or Hutch to figure out Oakland’s going to get slapped upside the head. Chargers 30, Raiders 19.

Green Bay @ SEATTLE (-9.5): The Seahawks have activated Matt Hasselbeck and listed him as their third-string quarterback. He won’t be useless to Seattle, however, as if Seneca Wallace’s helmet radio breaks down, the Seahawks will send in plays using Hasselbeck’s shiny dome like an Aldus lamp. Seahawks 31, Packers 16.

Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Charlie Frye, Cleveland Browns – Frye has been consistent all season, and now RB Reuben Droughns is questionable and a weak Cincy defense is in town. Frye has a great future – too bad the rest of the team is full of Dr. Zoidbergs.

RB: Correll Buckhalter, Philadelphia Eagles – He sounds like an Ivy League economist, but Buckhalter saw increased looks from QB Jeff Garcia. Buckhalter will be pushing to impress for the upcoming free-agent market, and that means more dough in his pocket next season – and fantasy points in yours this week.

TE: Jeff Dugan, Minnesota Vikings – In his first action since being drafted in 2004, Dugan hauled in three passes for 20 yards. Against a lousy Cardinals defense, Dugan could double that and even sneak in a TD – if a 6-4, 258-pound guy can sneak anything in.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Jacksonville, Arizona

Week Eleven:

9-6-1 ATS

12-4 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$170

Overall:

73-84-2 ATS

101-58 SU

2-9 Lock

1-10 Trifecta

-$5,700

An abbreviated Thanksgiving version of The Hoser's picks this week -- the rest will follow on Friday morning.

Enjoy the holiday, and remember, there's always room for one more piece of pie -- especially if it's wafer thin!

Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.

Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.

Week 12 Hoser's Dozers

Editor's Note: These only apply to players playing Thursday who might bump someone off your normal roster.

WR -- Eddie Kenison, Kansas City: The Broncos have been just average against the pass this season, and the return of Chiefs QB Trent Green will make Kenison as happy as a dog under the Thanksgiving table.

WR -- Wes Welker, Miami: The Lions have given up 16 passing TDs and picked off only five passes this year. Welker will either beat the stuffing out of or make mincemeat of the Detroit secondary, depending whether you go for thirds or head right to the dessert table.

Welcome to Week Eleven of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, like a farmer in a cow pasture at night, we’re taking it one step at a time.

The Hoser again struggled through a lousy week, going 6-10 against the spread and a tepid 8-8 straight up. We know some of our readers have suggested a hamster could do better, but hey – that’s pretty insulting to the hamster, don’t you think?

This week’s best NFL fun comes courtesy of Oakland Raiders QB Andrew Walters. He said the team’s offensive game plans, drawn up by offensive coordinator Tom Walsh, have been predictable and lacking in depth. Walters later apologized, and added that Walsh also makes a mean bed and sets up an excellent brunch.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Whitney Houston handle your next mortgage.

Oakland @ KANSAS CITY (-9.5): Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss said this week he may be dropping passes because he’s unhappy and depressed. In an effort to raise Moss’s morale, all linemen will now wear clown suits and every Sunday will be “Dime Bag Day” at McAfee Coliseum. Chiefs 31, Raiders 14.

Indianapolis @ DALLAS (+1): Former Cowboys star running back Emmitt Smith was crowned the champion on “Dancing With The Stars” this week. The show’s judges also gave Colts QB Peyton Manning a special award for his outstanding “Funky Chicken” during audibles. Cowboys 26, Colts 24.

Cincinnati @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5): Bengals offensive stars Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Rudi Johnson will soon be honored with special U.S. Postal Service posters and gift sets. On a related note, Cincinnati’s defense is already featured on the back of local milk cartons. Saints 31, Bengals 30.

Pittsburgh @ CLEVELAND (+3.5): Steelers RB Willie Parker was tabbed as the AFC Offensive Player of the Week after gashing the Saints for more than 200 yards and two TDs. Willie Parker’s a great football name, but we still think it’d be even better in the adult film industry. Steelers 23, Browns 20.

Tennessee @ PHILADELPHIA (-13): Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth returns this week from his five-game suspension after his foot’s altercation with Dallas’s Andre Gurode’s head. His teammates chipped in and bought Haynesworth a great welcome-back gift – front-row seats for the touring production of “Stomp”. Eagles 27, Titans 16.

Atlanta @ BALTIMORE (-4): Ravens QB Steve McNair isn’t setting the world on fire this season, but he’s facing a Falcon secondary with more holes than the FOX Network’s ethics department. Seriously, a special on how O.J. would have done it, if he did it? I guess “Naked Gun 33 1/3rd” wasn’t the final insult. Ravens 23, Falcons 17.

St. Louis @ CAROLINA (-6.5): Rams stud OL Orlando Pace is gone for the season, leaving Adam Goldberg to handle … gulp … Julius Peppers. That adds up to St. Louis QB Marc Bulger ending up Marc Flatter. Panthers 23, Rams 17.

Buffalo @ HOUSTON (-2.5): Texans guard Fred Weary was Tasered by police after allegedly refusing to follow their instructions during a traffic stop. The Hoser smells a police brutality suit, as the cops should have known they could easily have just walked right around any Houston offensive lineman to apply the cuffs. Texans 24, Bills 20.

New England @ GREEN BAY (+6): After two poor performances from Tom Brady and losing back-to-back games for the first time since 2002, the Patriots signed ancient QB Vinny Testeverde. This is a similar strategy to trying to save your failing wet T-shirt contest by bringing in Angela Lansbury. Patriots 26, Packers 22.

Washington @ TAMPA BAY (-3): Newly crowned Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell has to be concerned about the franchise’s history with young signal callers, especially considering every time he pulls up to FedEx Field, Patrick Ramsey offers to wash his windshield for a buck. Bucs 19, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ NY JETS (+7): Football card collectors had a laugh this week when it was discovered Jets rookie RB Leon Washington appeared to flipping a double bird to the camera. Washington explained later he was simply honoring one of his favorite players – Michael Irvin – by flashing Irvin’s ACT score. Bears 30, Jets 19.

Minnesota @ MIAMI (-3.5): The Dolphins are hot and the Viking ship is sink … errr, taking on … I shouldn’t mention boats at all, should I? Dolphins 22, Vikings 17.

Detroit @ ARIZONA (-2.5): Tragedy was averted at a mall in Detroit this week when a power outage trapped Lions GM Matt Millen for six hours. Eventually, however, emergency personnel were able to convince Millen to just walk down the escalator. Cardinals 24, Lions 20.

Seattle @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5): 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, in honor of both his father and other great coaches such as Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi, will wear a suit and tie this weekend after Reebok developed his outfit to meet its licensing deal with the NFL. Reebok denied, however, that it is working with Detroit assistant coach Joe Cullen on a special sideline birthday suit. Seahawks 27, 49ers 21.

San Diego @ DENVER (-2.5): Chargers running back Ladainian Tomlinson has racked up 15 touchdowns in the past five weeks, which means he’s scoring faster than a James Norton look-alike at a “Desperate Housewives” party. Chargers 24, Broncos 17.

New York Giants @ JACKSONVILLE (-3.5): Jags QB David Garrard was strapped with four INTs last week, even though his Venus De Milo-like receivers tipped two of them and dropped seven others. WR Reggie Williams at least caught the attention of a fan, getting in a yelling match on the sidelines and then fighting with Ernest Wilford. Nope, they don’t miss Byron Leftwich at all, do they? Giants 26, Jaguars 23.

Week Eleven Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Steve McNair, Baltimore Ravens – McNair went off like Robin Williams on meth last week, and there’s no reason to think the Falcons’ 30th-ranked pass defense will slow him down much. Maybe you have a bigger-name quarterback on your roster. Sit him and play McNair.

RB: Marion Barber III, Dallas Cowboys – We’ve seen Barber ranked as low as 29th this week among backs, which is ridiculous. The Colts are dead last against the run and Barber has six TDs in his last eight games. This ain’t no close shave for our friendly Barber – he’ll beat the Schick out of Indy’s D.

WR: Rashied Davis, Chicago Bears -- The Jets have the 30th-ranked defense in the league and with Chicago QB Rex Grossman getting his mojo back, someone besides Mushin Muhammad has to catch the ball. Yes, we know Mark Bradley had a great week last week, but go with the speedy Davis to rip through the secondary like The Hoser through a sushi buffet.

D: Kansas City – The Chiefs are right in the middle of the pack when it comes to total defense, but they have two big plusses in Week 11 – they have 17 takeaways on the season, and they play the Raiders. Add in a due Dante Hall and K.C. could have a huge day.

K: Olindo Mare, Miami Dolphins – Mare isn’t exactly Mr. Accuracy this season (14-for-22), but at least he’s getting some chances. He’s also knocked down six treys in the past three weeks, and the Vikings have given up the second-most field goals in the league this season. Give him a shot and you could be singing, “Oh! Mare!”

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, San Diego, Dallas

Week Ten:

6-10 ATS

8-8 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$960

Overall:

64-78-1 ATS

89-54 SU

2-8 Lock

1-9 Trifecta

-$5,530

Welcome to Week Ten of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where at least we had a better week than the Republicans.

The Hoser improved a bit, although going 8-6 straight up and 5-9 against the spread only looks good when you’ve picking winners with the same success rate as Britney Spears in the husband pool.

In the fun NFL fight of the week, Oakland defensive lineman Tyler Brayton was fined $25,000 for kneeing Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens in the groin at the end of their contest in Week 9. Stevens was not seriously hurt in the altercation, but team doctors said after the game he was a little testes with them.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having John Daly as your marriage counselor.

Kansas City @ MIAMI (+1): Dolphins head coach Nick Saban said criticism of his team by Bob Kuechenberg helped spur his team to its win over Chicago. This confused us until The Hoser realized Kuechenberg was a member of the 1972 Dolphins and not Bill Kirkenbauer, the male lead in the ABC ‘80s sitcom “Just The Ten Of Us”. Chiefs 29, Dolphins 20.

Houston @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5): It didn’t go well for Kinky Friedman on Tuesday night, and it’s gonna go even worse for the Texans this weekend. Jaguars 27, Texans 13.

San Diego @ CINCINNATI (+1.5): Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer said he will be giving football fans an early Christmas gift. This week, instead of tearing a phony name off the back of wide receiver Chad Johnson’s jersey, Palmer will tear out Johnson’s tongue. Chargers 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-7.5): Falcons QB Michael Vick may have a career in the movies. After last week’s performance against Detroit, he’s up for the title role in a remake of “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Falcons 26, Browns 16.

Baltimore @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): There’s both good and bad to head coach Brian Billick’s successful return to play calling for the Ravens. It’s great that Baltimore’s offense is firing on all cylinders, but Billick’s head may swell up enough to cause eclipses in neighboring states. Ravens 24, Titans 10.

Buffalo @ INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5): With running back Willis McGahee out with a few broken ribs, the Bills will turn to Anthony Davis, a veteran with a great nickname – “A-Train”. It even sort of mirrors QB J.P. Losman’s nickname, or at least the word Buffalo fans say every time he drops back to throw – “F-Bomb.” Colts 33, Bills 19.

New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-4): Another week of the Steelers being inexplicably favoured against a better team. Does Bill Cowher have pictures of Danny Sheridan naked with Bea Arthur or what? Saints 26, Steelers 20.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-7): Eagles QB Donovan McNabb unveiled his new “Super Five” clothing line this week, which features hooded sweatshirts, vests and knit sweaters. Not to be overshadowed, the Redskins’ secondary also debuted its brand of fire-retardant sportswear named “Burnt Toast”. Eagles 28, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ N.Y. GIANTS (-2.5): The Hoser finally jumps on the Bears’ bandwagon and bang! – it collapses. Hey, we didn’t see the “Not Safe For Backbacon Inhaling Canadians” sign. Giants 20, Bears 16.

Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-5): Ahhh, Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” … and zero offensive creativity. Scoring three points against the 49ers is like striking out on a date with Paris Hilton. Vikings 17, Packers 16.

N.Y. Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5): The Hoser was poking around the Patriots’ web site, looking for some inside info, when he came across this gem of a quote from center Dan Koppen after the Indianapolis game – “We don’t want to lose around here.” And you wonder why sportswriters always seem to have an open beer next to them. Patriots 24, Jets 21.

San Francisco @ DETROIT (-6): One win does not stop the Matt Millen joke train! So …
Matt Millen walks into a UPS Store and asks for a box two inches high, two inches wide and 50 feet long.
The clerk looks at Millen and says, “What would you want a box like that for?"
"Well,” Millen says, "my neighbor moved away but left some stuff in the garage, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lions 23, 49ers 13.

Denver @ OAKLAND (+9): Raiders head coach Art Shell looked mortified Monday night after his quarterback was sacked nine times in a loss to Seattle. Seriously, Andrew Walters spent more time on his ass than Don Quixote. Broncos 29, Raiders 7.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3.5): St. Louis fans have to be a little disturbed that Rams head coach Scott Linehan was mentored by recently fired Mighigan State head coach John L. Smith. That’s like finding out your nanny was referred by Michael Jackson. Seahawks 24, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (-9.5): Hey, remember when Bucs head coach Jon Gruden was a genius? Panthers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas @ ARIZONA (+7): The Hoser and his lovely wife have been taking odds on our seven-month-old daughter’s first word. “Mama” is at 2:1, “kitty” is at 4:1, and “Obafemi Ayanbadejo” is at about the same odds as Dennis Green having a job at the end of the season. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Kansas City

Week Nine:

5-9 ATS
8-6 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
-$1,000

Overall:

58-68-1 ATS
81-46 SU
2-7 Lock
1-8 Trifecta
-$4,570


And here’s our new weekly feature, The Hoser’s Three Great White (North) Hopes. These are our three guys to surprise on your fantasy roster this weekend:

Anthony Thomas, RB, Buffalo – With McGahee out and the Colts defense handing out rushing yardage like half-priced Halloween candy, the “A-Train” should make at least one stop in the Indianapolis end zone. He’s also a solid pick-up for the remainder of the season.

David Martin, TE, Green Bay – When Brett Favre is short on guys he recognizes to throw passes, the veterans benefit, i.e. Donald Driver seeing more balls than … well, we’ll pass on the cheap Tyler Brayton joke. Martin, however, has caught four balls in each of the last two games and scored two TDs in the last three weeks.

Detroit, D – No, the Lions aren’t particularly wonderful, but they’re playing San Francisco this week, and the 49er red zone offense is softer than ice cream on the beach. Also, an ugly minus-7 turnover ratio means cheap points for you, needy owner.

Hoser's Note: The timestamp on this refers to the time and date this piece began. I don't know the lines that far in advance -- not that it would do me any good.

Welcome to Week Nine of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where much like the slashers and high-stickers of goalie Denis Lemieux's dreams ... we feel shame.

The Hoser, in front of the world (and more importantly, our new friends at draftsharks.com), we had by far our worst week of the season -- 5-9 straight up and a stupefying 3-11 against the spread. Seriously, there hasn't been a debut this awful since Monday Night Football tried to pretend Eric Dickerson had a firm grasp on the English language.

In the interesting feud of the week, ESPN talking head Michael Irvin tried to declare himself a character guy Monday night after New York running back Tiki Barber trashed him on a radio show last week. We think Irvin went too far, however, when he said that all great leaders throughout history had deviated septums.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Kevin Federline promote your new line of bath products for men.

Kansas City @ ST. LOUIS (-2): My fantasy league has set a rule for next season -- if you own Chiefs RB Larry Johnson, the rest of your team must be comprised of Arizona Cardinals. I think I'd still take him. Chiefs 30, Rams 24.

Cincinnati @ BALTIMORE (-3): Bengals WR Chad Johnson may have tangoed in the end zone last week, but I'm pretty sure the Ravens' defense will be tap-dancing on his ass this week. Ravens 19, Bengals 14.

Houston @ N.Y. GIANTS (-13): I don't think Texans back-up quarterback Sage Rosenfels has much of a chance to take away David Carr's starting job. He does, however, have a great shot at having some sort of potato side dish named after him. NY Giants 29, Houston 13.

Tennessee @ JACKSONVILLE (-10): Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones received a one-game suspension this week after spitting on a woman at a party. Jones said he wouldn't appeal, but that the punishment was a bit more than he expectorated. Jaguars 23, Titans 16.

Dallas @ WASHINGTON (+3): Dallas police fielded several 911 calls this week from trick-or-treaters who were excessively frightened after stopping at Cowboys owner Jerry Jones's house. No charges were filed, however, after Jones explained that his face looked that way all the time. Cowboys 30, Redskins 17.

Green Bay @ BUFFALO (-3.5): It's too bad Packers QB Brett Favre isn't pitching Pepto Bismol instead of Prilosec, because I'm pretty sure if I hear from one more announcer say how much fun Favre's having this season, I'm going to throw up. Packers 24, Bills 20.

New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY (+1): Saints quarterback Drew Brees has asked his mother to pull his picture from her campaign ads in Texas. Brees denied rumours, however, that his jersey would say "CRAWFORD" on the back this week. Saints 26, Bucs 22.

Atlanta @ DETROIT (+4.5): This week's Matt Millen joke: Millen is driving through the country, out to do some big-game hunting, when he comes to a fork in the road. A large sign reads "BEAR LEFT" ... so Millen goes home. Falcons 30, Lions 20.

Miami @ CHICAGO (-13): I give. The Bears are He-Man and the rest of the NFL is Trap-Jaw before them. And yes, I know -- The Hoser is Orko, always Orko. Bears 34, Dolphins 17.

Minnesota @ SAN FRANCISCO (+5): Who gets hammered faster -- the 49ers after surrendering 41 first-half points last week or Joe Namath on a cold Monday night? Vikings 30, 49ers 20.

Cleveland @ SAN DIEGO (-12.5): Cleveland area sportswriters confirmed that Browns head coach Romeo Crennel sang a few lines from an undisclosed song to his team before they beat the Jets. That's not that unusual, actually -- Cards head coach Dennis Green reportedly sings Beck's "Loser" to his squad every week. Chargers 27, Browns 13.

Denver @ PITTSBURGH (-2.5): Due to the loss of Verron Haynes, the Steelers will be forced to rely on running back Najeh Davenport at the goal line. Given his laundry basket adventures in college, The Hoser still snickers when an announcer says Ben Roethlisberger has dumped a pass off to him. Broncos 26, Steelers 23.

New England @ INDIANAPOLIS (+3): There's no doubt he's a great coach, but who dressed Patriots head man Bill Belichick last week, Jennifer Beals? Maybe he heard it was "Hans & Franz" night at the Metrodome. Colts 26, Patriots 24.

Oakland @ SEATTLE (-7.5): Raiders WR Randy moss is smiling again, which means one of two things -- either he's getting more balls thrown to him or Oakland's city council has reduced the punishment for running over meter maids to a $50 fine. Raiders 27, Seahawks 26.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, New Orleans, Minnesota

Week Seven:

3-11 ATS

5-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$1,300

Overall:

53-59-1 ATS

73-40 SU

2-6 Lock

1-7 Trifecta

-$3,570

I was just watching some pre-game NFL coverage on Rogers SportsNet when one of their NHL promos ran featuring the tagline Hockey That Matters.

Guys, ditch that.

It's really demeaning to players in the Ontario Hockey League, the minor leagues and even the youth and rec leagues around Canada. The implication is that all those players should hang up their skates, because hey, you don't matter!

Guess what, SportsNet? They do. I guarantee you the players in an OHL game are, in most cases, playing harder and to the final horn more often than their NHL counterparts.

So get your geniuses in the marketing department to come up with something else, something that doesn't put down every other hockey player in the world.

An open letter to Tara Reid:

I've seen a couple of interviews of you crying over how you suffered after a botched plastic surgery. Or two.
Do us all a favor -- get over yourself.
It's difficult for me to muster any sympathy for someone who chose to go under the knife of his or her own volition. As the carney told me once before I bounced three darts off the same under-inflated balloon, "You pays your money, you takes your chances."
I mean, it's not like you were some hideous hosebeast before. You were just a little flat-chested (speaking of under-inflated), and that apparently bothered you, casting directors and Tom Brady enough for you to upgrade from Twiggy to Dolly Parton.
Lots of men don't mind smaller breasts, and tons more prefer them to boobs that look and feel like a rotting canteloupe.
And it's not like you had some disfigurement that was making it difficult for you to make a living and feel comfortable in society. You do have Dr. T and the Women on your resume, but people will eventually forget about that one, I promise.
But I digress. Tara, you made your choice -- a stupid, selfish and ill-advised choice -- and you'll have to live with the consequences.
I do have a way for you to possibly put your situation in better perspective, though. I'd suggest you stop by any local hospital and ask to speak with someone who has just undergone a double mastectomy.
Tell her how awful it was to have a little scar tissue around your nipple and how traumatized you are.
Then duck.

Welcome to Week Eight of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you think our Trifecta pick was awful, just listen to this.

The Hoser not only limped to another 6-7 record against the spread, but we also turned out a putrid 4-9 straight up. To top that, though, The Hoser dropped a fiver on a 20-1, five-game parlay -- and missed all five games. It's getting uglier than Tara Reid with her top off around here.

Amazingly, a woman in Ontario managed to nail all 13 games last weekend in the Pro-Line Pool, netting her a tidy $440,000CDN. And for all you smartasses out there, the Canadian dollar is almost on par with the American buck, so no, it's not like she won $12US. Come on up, people -- no Dubya and the health care's fine!

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today Wednesday odds as the spread, mainly because I've tried getting them from the Toronto Star, but looking at that paper makes me wish I had some crayons handy.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Dennis Green speak to your Boy Scout troop.

Houston @ TENNESSEE (-3): How strange is it that I'm more confident in the management of the Texans than that of the Cowboys? Texans 22, Titans 17.

Jacksonville @ PHILADELPHIA (-6): Some good came out of the Eagles' heartbreaking loss to Tampa Bay last week -- Philly QB Donovan McNabb has already landed the role of the little girl in a local theater company's stage remake of "The Exorcist". Eagles 27, Jaguars 20.

Atlanta @ CINCINNATI (-4): Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson this week asked reporters to refer to him as "Ocho Cinco" in reference to his jersey number. Given his one TD catch so far this year, "Senor Disappointment" might be more appropriate. Bengals 24, Falcons 22.

Tampa Bay @ NY GIANTS (-9): In a supreme psyche job, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is calling for Buccaneer kicker Matt Bryant to undergo testing for steroids, human growth hormone and some sort of fish paralyzer. Giants 26, Buccaneers 21.

San Francisco @ CHICAGO (-16.5): I haven't seen a spread this big since ... damn, I already used Courtney Love this season. Bears 30, 49ers 14.

Arizona @ GREEN BAY (-3): After falling last week to the lowly Raiders, Cards head coach Dennis Green has lost even the staunchest supporter of his managerial style -- former Cubs skipper Lee Elia. Packers 26, Cardinals 21.

Seattle @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Seahawks safety Michael Boulware has been benched. This comes after being outjumped by Torry Holt last week, biting on two play-action passes that resulted in long touchdowns against the Vikings two weeks ago, and announcing he had recently purchased several magic beans from a guy named Jack behind the practice facility. Chiefs 31, Seahawks 19.

Baltimore @ NEW ORLEANS (-2): Saints RB Reggie Bush is destined for greatness. I mean, if you can survive doing a commerical with Jon Lovitz ... Saints 20, Ravens 16.

St. Louis @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Given the troubles of Steve Foley and Shawne Merriman, the choice of the new rallying cry of the depleted Chargers defense -- "Be Always Lionhearted -- Chargers Overcome!" -- was probably a poor one. Chargers 31, Rams 24.

OAKLAND @ Pittsburgh (-9): The good news -- it looks like Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be fully recovered from the concussion he suffered last week. The bad news -- he came to convinced he's Neil O'Donnell. Steelers 30, Raiders 17.

New York Jets @ CLEVELAND (-2): New offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson takes over the Browns' offense, which is like being named crew chief for the Yugo NASCAR team. Jets 24, Browns 16.

New England @ MINNESOTA (+2): I have a strange hunch. That doesn't have anything to do with the Patriots/Vikings game -- I've just been walking stooped over recently. Vikings 27, Patriots 24.

Indianapolis @ DENVER (-2.5): In an effort to shore up their terrible run defense, the Colts traded for huge defensive tackle Anthony "Booger" Mcfarland. Head coach Tony Dungy said in announcing the deal, "We couldn't have picked a better guy to clog up the middle. He might be a little green, but he'll mucus ... err, make us better." Broncos 20, Colts 19.

Dallas @ CAROLINA (-4.5): It doesn't really matter of new Cowboys statring QB Tony Romo succeeds or not. I mean, he's always got his rib restaurants to fall back on, right? Jaguars 29, Cowboys 22.

Lock of the Week: New York Jets

Trifecta: New York Jets, Minnesota, New Orleans

Week Seven:

6-7 ATS

4-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$830

Overall:

51-48-1 ATS

68-31 SU

2-5 Lock

1-6 Trifecta

-$2,270

A few Hollywood notes:

* A word to Madonna, who appears on Oprah this afternoon -- shut the hell up.

If you weren't smart enough to grasp there might be some backlash from you going overseas to adopt a baby when there are tons of children right in your own backyard who need a good home, you're an idiot.

Actually, we've known that since you chose to make Desperately Seeking Susan and dance around wearing a couple of oil funnels over your breasts -- but it's nice to have your opinions reinforced occasionally.

Sure, maybe you really want another baby. That's nice. But the fact that you swept in like some slutty monsoon and used your celebrity to expedite hustling a child out of Africa makes your handling of this all wrong.

I'd like to see the whole process reversed, as it has to be some kind of child abuse for Madonna to be touching a baby with those gnarly hands of hers. Christ, it'd be like being cuddled by Flo from Alice.

* Two brothers are suing FOX for allegedly stealing their idea for the hit show Prison Break.

Robert and Donald Hughes say they sent in a manuscript in 2001 detailing their four years spent on the run after being wrongly imprisoned in the 1960s and then breaking out. The article also says the brothers now live on disability and social security payments, which explains why they were watching FOX in the first place.

* Tom and Katie have set a date for the wedding! Nov. 18, with Giorgio Armani designing the dress.

And yes, Katie's the one wearing it.

Just a note about how little touches can make the difference.

When I left the house this morning, I noticed one of my tires was a little low. A pet peeve of mine, though, is paying a gas station 50 cents for the privilege of using its air hose. I mean, for God's sake, it's freaking air.

With no time to quibble, however, I pulled into the Esso at the corner of Dufferin and Teston in Richmond Hill. I was fishing around for a couple of quarters when I glanced up and realized the station had installed a spanking-new air machine. I could see it had a digital readout and electronic touchpad, and looked more like some home appliance than an air station.

I hopped out of the car and looked at it. Automatic gauge set for 32PSI, easy to read, and best of all -- free!

I quickly filled the tire, then went inside for a cup of coffee and a granola bar I didn't really need. Goodwill from the free air had netted Esso a tidy little profit, and the station charged me for the air, I would have never made a purchase.

I told the fellow inside they now had my undying loyalty. We both laughed, but it's true -- I'll go out of my way now to buy gas there, and I'm willing there are other people who will change their habits because of a wise decision by someone in Esso management.

Bravo, Esso!

I'm not sure how many of you saw it last night during the debacle that was the Cowboys being decimated by the Giants, but I thought one of the key plays was Terrell Owens dropping a fourth-down pass from newly inserted quarterback Tony Romo.

Dallas head coach Bill Parcells chose to go for it rather than attempt a 50-yard+ field goal, and after Romo had suffered a pick on his first pass attempt, it was a good idea -- give the new guy another chance to make a play.

So Romo drops back, looks right and then comes back to Owens, who is maybe 10 yards away and two yards beyond the first-down marker. You could have run a cattle drive between T.O. and the nearest defender, and Romo floats him the ball -- and Owens tries to run with it before he makes the catch and drops it.

Now, we all know this happens from time to time, but it was T.O.'s response that simply left me slack-jawed. He comes off the field laughing!

No one said a word, but it looked like Parcells could have run up the steps to Jerry Jones's private box and strangled him right then and there. Personally, I wish Bill would have been right up in his face, and it may have gone something like this:

"See, now I totally believe it wasn't a suicide attempt, because if you can't keep something the size of a goddamned football in your hands for one second, how could I think you could hang on to all those little pills while you were trying to get them down your throat?!?

"And you know what? Since it's so goddamned easy for you to laugh it off when you blow a drive and screw my chance to build a little confidence in my new quarterback and so tough for you to understand why you're not the target on every fucking pass we throw, why don't you go put on your Spandex shorts and hop on the exercise bike behind the bench for a while? Have a good chuckle back there, because you won't see the field for the rest of the fucking night.

"Come and see me when you fully understand that Tony Romo should have come off the field and started screaming at you for being a waste of oxygen, the same way you find it acceptable when one of our quarterbacks doesn't throw you the ball, even when your double-fucking covered. Until then, call a press conference or go get another prescription, because you're done catching passes for me."

I guess a man can dream.