Welcome to Week Five of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where Monday night our entire staff went outside and screamed at the heavens, “FAAAAAARRRRVVVVVEEEEE!”

(That joke only works in print if you spell his name phonetically, and even then, it still probably doesn’t work. Far be it from us to pass up a “Wrath of Kahn” gag, though.)

The Hoser lost his bolt on Monday night, as Brett Favre was simply masterful. The Viking win cost us our Lock and the Trifecta, dropped us to 7-7 against the spread and 11-3 straight up. The Packers’ loss of tackle Kyle Clifton was the real killer, though.

This week, there are a few amazingly big spreads to consider. Philly by two touchdowns? The Giants by 16 points? We haven’t seen this many huge lines since we spent that week at Michael Irvin’s Fantasy Football Camp.

The New York Jets acquired wide receiver Braylon Edwards from the Cleveland Browns on Wednesday. Edwards has tons of talent, but we don’t know if The Big Apple is the right environment for him. I mean, if you can get into serious trouble in Cleveland after hours …

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as giving an undeserving guy the Nobel Peace Price.

Minnesota (-10) at ST LOUIS [40.5]: As an encore to last week’s heroics, Brett Favre will switch teams at the half and lead the Rams roaring back – to just a 17-point loss. Vikings 31, Rams 14.

Dallas (-9) at KANSAS CITY [43]: Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo says he’s fine, but there’s a good chance if he loses this game he could fall all the way down to dating Tara Reid. Cowboys 30, Chiefs 20.

Washington (+3.5) at CAROLINA [37.5]: We have this image of Jeff Garcia standing outside the Panthers’ GM’s office with a resume and a six-pack all week, asking, “Can I come in now? Now? How about now?” Panthers 19, Racists 17.

Oakland (+16) at NY GIANTS [39]: This could be a worse beating than Tawny Kitaen laid on Chuck Finley. Giants 31, Raiders 16.

Tampa Bay (+14.5) at PHILADELPHIA [43]: See above, but replace Tawny Kitaen with a cheesesteak. They both look about the same now anyhow. Eagles 27, Buccaneers 13.

Cleveland (+6) at BUFFALO [40.5]: We’re considering patenting a new duck decoy for the Buffalo area – one with Terrell Owens’s head on it. Bills 21, Browns 17.

Cincinnati (+8.5) at BALTIMORE [42]: In keep with last week’s sissification of the sport, three Ravens defensive players have already been ejected for holding a speculative discussion on the theoretical ramifications of touching Carson Palmer. Ravens 26, Bengals 19.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at DETROIT [44]: You may not have sought our advice on this game, but truth be told? You asked with your eyes, man. You asked with your eyes. Steelers 31, Lions 20.

Atlanta (+2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: We’ve been pushing the NFL to create a line of football-themed Halloween costumes and decorations. Wouldn’t a light-up face of Mike Singletary staring out the window scare the hell out of any kid? 49ers 23, Falcons 20.

New England (-3) at DENVER [41]: The reunion of two of the league’s most casually dressed coaches. Call it “Boyz In Da Hoodies.” Patriots 26, Broncos 21.

Houston (+5.5) at ARIZONA [49]: Everything’s bigger in Texas – with the exception of the ability of the Texans to stop anything resembling a professional running game. Cardinals 27, Texans 21.

Jacksonville (+1) at SEATTLE [NL]: If the Seahawks were smart, they’d wear those lime-green abominations all season. Those things are the visual equivalent of getting poked in the eye by Moe Howard all day. Jaguars 22, Seahawks 19.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at TENNESSEE [45.5]: The look on the Titans’ head coach as his team dropped to 0-4 on the season? Fisher priceless. Colts 26, Titans 19.

NY Jets (-1.5) at MIAMI [36.5]: We’re afraid facing the Jet defense doesn’t leave Miami Henne chance at all. Jets 22, Dolphins 16.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Jacksonville, New York Jets

2009 Week Four Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 48-14
Against The Spread: 36-26
Lock of the Week: 1-3
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $-260

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $70
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $30

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.