Welcome to Week Three of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s tough to figure out what’s weirder – the Texans being 2-0, or Wayne Newton being on “Dancing With The Stars”. That guy’s face is stretched tighter than Larry Birkhead’s credibility.

The Hoser had a decent week, going 9-7 against the spread and 11-5 straight up. We also nailed the Steelers for the Lock of the Week, but Cincy killed our Trifecta. Is it us, or wasn’t there a time when Marvin Lewis was a defensive genius?

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said this week the door was open for more sanctions against the New England Patriots in CameraGate. The Hoser is pulling for double secret probation and a kegger at the Delta Tau Chi house.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as asking O.J. up to fluff your pillows.

Indianapolis (-6) at HOUSTON: They say everything’s big in Texas – but this line ain’t big enough. Colts 30, Texans 20.

San Diego (-4.5) at GREEN BAY: Our crack staff came up with a list of Turners who might be better head coaches than the Chargers’ Norv – Ron, Ted, Kathleen, Tina, Ike and Lana. And yes, we’re aware Lana is dead – what’s your point? Chargers 26, Packers 20.

Minnesota (+2.5) at KANSAS CITY: It’s hard to tell which problem is bigger for Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson – overcoming his groin injury, or getting people to realize there are two “r”s in his first name. Chiefs 20, Vikings 17.

Detroit (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA: Eagles QB Donovan McNabb looks rusty and RB Brian Westbrook is banged up. God help me, what I’m trying to say is – I like the Lions in this one. Lions 24, Eagles 23.

Buffalo (+16.5) at NEW ENGLAND: Holy geez. You’d think the Patriots were playing Notre Dame. Patriots 31, Bills 16.

Miami (+3) at NY JETS: Looks for back-up John Beck to make his debut soon, as Dolphins QB Trent Green gets picked more than Ben Wallace’s afro. Jets 22, Dolphins 17.

San Francisco (+8) at PITTSBURGH: Everything’s going right for the Steelers so far this season – except for that abomination of a mascot. That thing looks like Kirk Douglas after going 12 rounds with Joe Louis. Steelers 26, 49ers 19.

Arizona (+7.5) at BALTIMORE: Leonard Pope caught the first touchdown pass of his NFL career last week. Cards QB Matt Leinart said he would have thrown to the 6-8 tight end earlier, but thought Pope was a back-up goalpost. Ravens 22, Cards 21.

Tampa Bay (-3.5) at ST. LOUIS: Where might the problem with the Rams lie? Well, after running back Stephen Jackson apologized for last week’s sideline tirade, St. Louis head coach Scott Linehan said, “(Stephen) knows it's not productive to get cross with people, but that's what happens.” He actually said “get cross” – and then referred to Jackson as a “real pip” and went outside to pick wildflowers. Buccaneers 27, Rams 24.

Jacksonville (+3) at DENVER: From the “We Can’t Make This Stuff Up” Department – Broncos kicker Jason Elam will be releasing his first novel, Monday Night Jihad, early next year. It’s about a terrorism-fighting placekicker who also doubles as a supermodel – we believe it's based on the life of Toni Fritsch. Broncos 24, Jaguars 17.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at SEATTLE: The Hoser wonders how many quarterbacks have ever lost a game in which they threw six touchdown passes? Bengals QB Carson Palmer might get close again, as this game will feature all the defense of the Maginot Line. Seahawks 34, Bengals 31.

Cleveland (+3) at OAKLAND: In an attempt to stop the icing of kickers, the NFL has instituted a new rule – any coach successfully screwing up a made field goal with a time out will now be kicked in the sack by Sebastian Janikowski. Raiders 29, Browns 27.

Carolina (-4) at ATLANTA: By the time you finish this sentence, former Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich should be starting for the Falcons. Panthers 22, Falcons 13.

New York Giants (+3.5) at WASHINGTON: Sorry, The Hoser was going to say something about Redskins head coach Joe Gibbs, but Tony Kornheiser stopped by and slobbered all over our copy. Redskins 27, Giants 20.

Dallas (+3) at CHICAGO: Bears QB Rex Grossman is ranked dead last in passer efficiency so far this season, but there is still no truth to the rumour that Lovie Smith has Chicago’s front office trying to find a number for Bob Avellini. Bears 19, Cowboys 17.

Tennessee (+4.5) at NEW ORLEANS: And you thought The Tragically Hip’s “New Orleans Is Sinking” was eerily prescient when it came to Hurricane Katrina. Saints 24, Titans 23.

Final count for Week Two:

SU: 11-5

ATS: 9-7

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: $+260

For the season:

SU: 21-11

ATS: 15-16-1

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 0-2

The Money Game: $-200