Welcome to Week Two of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we've taken the liberty of sending Dolphins head coach Nick Saban a couple of dumbbells to work on his arm strength.

Last week was good to THNP. We were a fair 9-7 ATS and 11-5 straight up, but we landed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. At $100 per game, $100 for the Trifecta and $300 for the LOTW (and the 10% juice), we did this:

$900 - $700 ATS = $200
Lock of the Week = $300
Trifecta = $600

$1100 - 10% Juice = +$990

Not half bad. Of course, if you know THNP, you know we won't hit another Trifecta all year, so take it with a grain of salt. The LOTW will jump to $500 on the weeks with fewer games to make the bet an even $2K per week.

Last week an astonishing 11 road teams won, which leads us to believe NFL traveling secretaries must be booking their teams into convents rather than hotels. We call it "Eugene Robinson proofing".

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because the paper does a spiffy job of drying my tears over another Bills loss.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as setting up your sister with new bachelor Bobby Brown.

Oakland at BALTIMORE (-11.5): The Raiders have no leadership, no direction and appear doomed -- it's like being at a Democratic National Convention. Baltimore 27, Oakland 17.

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS (-13): I can't give two touchdowns to a team that has no visible running game. I also can't abide checking to pancakes just because your brother dropped a couple eggs. Waffles, Peyton -- waffles! Indianapolis 27, Houston 16.

Cleveland at CINCINNATI (-10): Calls flooded into 381-JERK, the Bengals' new stadium security hotline, during the preseason games. Turns out it was mostly Jessica thinking she had Nick's new number. Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 13.

Buffalo at MIAMI (-6.5): This has always bothered me -- why would Will Smith think dropping Sly Stallone's name would make us think Miami is cool? What, he couldn't work in Estelle Getty? Buffalo 22, Miami 19.

Detroit at CHICAGO (-9): After the Lions mustered six points against Seattle and the Bears blanked Green Bay, is it possible for Detroit to go negative? Still, the line's too big. Chicago 16, Detroit 13.

Carolina at MINNESOTA (+1.5): Let the party begin in Minnesota -- just keep everyone away from boats. If the Panthers are without Steve Smith again, this is a rout. Minnesota 23, Carolina 21.

NY Giants at PHILADELPHIA (-3): Vince Papale might be invincible, but the Eagles aren't. NY Giants 24, Philadelphia 23.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-5.5): EA Sports has a new game coming out about developing young quarterbacks who struggle with decision-making and handling pressure. It's called "The Simms". Atlanta 26, Tampa Bay 20.

New Orleans at GREEN BAY (+2.5): The Saints aren't as solid as they appeared against Cleveland last week. Unfortunately, the Packers ARE that horrible. New Orleans 26, Green Bay 20.

St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO (+3): Think Jeff Wilkins asked for an extra day off this week? The Rams won't need him this week. St. Louis 29, San Francisco 22.

Arizona at SEATTLE (-7): Don't the Cardinals always fold in games like this? Anyhow, Matt Hassleback and the Seahawks offense are ready to Branch out. Seattle 31, Arizona 21.

New England at NY JETS (+6): I knew Chad Pennington's shoulder had healed. I just didn't know they replaced it with one from Steve Austin's old stockpile. New England 20, NY Jets 19.

Tenessee at SAN DIEGO (-11): I can hear Billy Volek singing, "Take me to another place..." The entire Titans organization is suffering from Arrested Development. San Diego 34, Tennessee 20.

Kansas City at DENVER (-10.5): First Willie Roaf retires, and now Trent Green is out with a concussion. I bet Herm Edwards didn't think he'd be pining for the good old days with the Jets by Week 2. Denver 23, Kansas City 17.

Washington at DALLAS (-6): It makes sense that Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is now backing Tom Cruise in movie ventures. Getting Washington going offensively is "Mission:Impossible." Dallas 27, Washington 17.

Pittsburgh at JACKSONVILLE (+1): This game's getting as much hype as "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." Sorry, I've just been dying to use that film's name somehow. Pittsburgh 26, Jacksonville 20.

Lock of the Week: St. Louis

Trifecta: St. Louis, Kansas City, New Orleans

Week One, Straight Up: 11-5

Week One, ATS: 9-7

Week One, LOTW: 1-0

Week One, Trifecta: 1-0

Week One, Bank Statement: +990

Season, Straight Up: 11-5

Season, ATS: 9-7

Season, LOTW: 1-0

Season, Trifecta: 1-0

Season Bank Statement: +$990