How does one go 9-7 against the spread but 5-11 straight up? The Hoser did it last week, along with missing not only the trifecta (to be expected), but the Lock O' The Week (yeah, I know, also to be expected).

Last week was hairier than Larry King's ears, but expect normalcy to reign during Week Two. The 49ers and Dolphins will return to the dregs, and 27 TV talking heads will call Michael Vick the most exciting player in football. He was 12 for 23 with a pick, damn it!

For clarification, the bank account runs like this -- $100 per game ATS, $100 on the trifecta and $300 on the Lock of the Week. The house takes 10% juice, and the betting is an even $2K per week.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly 'cause he's in Vegas and he might front me free Rio buffet tickets.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as getting tossed on a Monday night for having a slapfight during pre-game.

Baltimore at TENNESSEE (+4): I just looked up "sucks" at wikipedia.org and it said, "See RAVENS OFFENSE." Okay, maybe not, but the Titans aren't going to blow anyone away either. Baltimore 19, Tennessee 14.

Pittsburgh at HOUSTON (+6): Willie Parker sounds vaguely like a porn name, doesn't it? Expect the Steelers to roll Big Willie Style for another week. Pittsburgh 29, Houston 21.

Jacksonville at INDIANAPOLIS (-9): If you can beat the Ravens by 17, you can beat the Jags by nine. Indianapolis 31, Jacksonville 20.

Detroit at CHICAGO (+2): I'm back on the Mooch Train, baby! Who isn't after a win over the Packers, with Brett Favre and a slow, aging ... and injury-riddled ... well, they're still good enough to beat the Bears. Detroit 23, Chicago 14.

San Francisco at PHILADELPHIA (-13): The Eagles have called in reconstruction specialists to separate Donovan McNabb's sternum from his spinal cord. What a shot -- three fingers of ouzo doesn't pack a wallop that hard. The 49ers will crash back to earth, but they won't lose by two touchdowns. Philadelphia 31, San Francisco 20.

Buffalo at TAMPA BAY (-2.5): I really like both of these teams, so I'm going strictly on that old "home field is worth a field goal" adage. Plus I trust Jon Gruden will add more Cadillac and subtract a few Brian Griese attempts. Tampa Bay 23, Buffalo 20.

New England at CAROLINA (+3): Just three points? Come on! Tom Brady's hair is worth at least a touchdown! New England 29, Carolina 23.

Atlanta at SEATTLE (-1): I'm just going to say it -- the Falcons would be better served to put Michael Vick at either running back or wide receiver. Let the tar and feathering commence! Seattle 29, Atlanta 27.

St. Louis at ARIZONA (+1): The Battle of the Week One Disappointments! The Rams are not as bad as they showed against San Francisco, and the Cardinals ... well, the Denny Green era has turned sour already. St. Louis 34, Arizona 23.

Miami at NY JETS (-6): I can't imagine the thrombo Jets coach Herm Edwards must have had after last week's debacle. Meanwhile, the Dolphins will return to being the Dolphins. New York 24, Miami 17.

Cleveland at GREEN BAY (-6): The loss of wide receiver Javon Walker won't hurt the Packers -- they weren't going anywhere anyway. Still, Brett Favre's pride will drive them past a bad Browns team. Green Bay 26, Cleveland 19.

Minnesota at CINCINNATI (-3): I happen to love Daunte Culpepper. I just don't think you can expect the Vikings to win on the road when they have a total of one decent running back on their roster, and it's him. Cincy 30, Minnesota 24.

San Diego at DENVER (-3): Saying Jake Plummer QB'd like a chicken with its head cut off is just insulting -- to the chicken. People are going to start talking about Mike Shanahan's job afer this loss. San Diego 28, Denver 24.

Kansas City at OAKLAND (+1): Even if Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil does the right thing and benches RB Larry Johnson for a week (and I don't care about the damned circumstances -- you don't ever knock a woman to the floor), Kansas City is still powerful enough to win on the road. Kansas City 30, Oakland 21.

Washington at DALLAS (-6): Wow. Bill Parcells vs. Joe Gibbs. Will the game be decided by clock management? By gutsy playcalling? No, it'll be decided by whose quarterback doesn't totally stink. Dallas 27, Washington 17.

New Orleans at NEW YORK GIANTS (-3): I expect the Saints to be a little flat. Who wouldn't? New York 23, New Orleans 19.

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh
Trifecta: Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Detroit

Against the spread, Week One: 9-7.
Straight up, Week One: 5-11.
Lock of the Week: 0-1.
Trifecta: 0-1.
The Bank Account: -$200.