Just throwing this up there -- sick as a dog and headed to bed:

San Diego (-5) at TENNESSEE: We're rooting for Chris Johnson, but we're betting on the Chargers. Chargers 30, Titans 24.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 15, where we're just flat out of time.

The Hoser continued to roll in Week 14, posting a 10-6 record against the spread and 12-4 straight up. The Cowboys didn’t let us down, choking one off against the Chargers to nail down the Lock. Unfortunately, Arizona and its amazing juggling act cost us the Trifecta. Can’t have everything – where would you put it? (Remind me to send a nickel to Steven Wright.)

Many of these lines are lifted from vegasinsider.com because Danny Sheridan wouldn’t list the lines on games with major injuries. We understand, but we don’t have that problem because our picks are about as scientific as a Baptist revival.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as waiting until the last minute and buying your wife's gifts at the 7-11.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Dallas (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS [53.5]: Think the Cowboys have started booking their February golf outings yet? Saints 31, Cowboys 23.

Green Bay (+2) at PITTSBURGH [41]: Ah, we remember when Mike Tomlin was a young genius. Didn't that happen to Eric Mangini? Packers 22, Steelers 19.

Miami (+3) at TENNESSEE [40]: One streak ends and another begins. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.

New England (-7) at BUFFALO [40.5]: Functioning without an offensive coordinator this season, the Patriots have had trouble scoring. Too bad you can’t say the same for that mascot dude. Patriots 24, Bills 14.

Arizona (-12) at DETROIT [46.5]: If the Cardinals turn the ball over seven times this week, they’re still going to win, aren’t they? Cardinals 37, Lions 17.

San Francisco (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [42.5]: The Hoser released 49ers tight end Vernon Davis from his fantasy team last season. Twice. No, we're not winning our league this year, either. Eagles 27, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+5) at NY JETS [NL]: When is Broadway Mark Sanchez going to do a pantyhose ad? Jets 21, Falcons 19.

Chicago (+11) at BALTIMORE [40.5]: You know things are going bad when Bears fans are fondly reminiscing about the Dick Jauron era. Ravens 23, Bears 14.

Cleveland (+1.5) at KANSAS CITY [37]: There's nothing funny about this match-up. Chiefs 20, Browns 17.

Houston (-10) at ST. LOUIS [43]: The line on this game is delayed because Rams quarterback Marc Bulger may be sidelined again. We can’t figure out if that would move it for or against St. Louis, though. Texans 29, Rams 16.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO [43.5]: RIP Chris Henry. Chargers 26, Bengals 17.

Oakland (+14) at DENVER [37]: This is a statement game. For the Broncos, it's a chance to solidify their playoff hopes. For the Raiders, it's another chance to say, "Yes, we completely fucked up our last few first-round draft picks." Broncos 31, Raiders 13.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at SEATTLE [39.5]: These two teams should skip the game and have an "Ugliest Alternate Uniform" catwalkoff. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (-9) at CAROLINA [43]: Tougher to kick -- a crack addiction or our reliance on Jake Delhomme jokes. We've got the shakes thinking about him retiring already. Vikings 38, Panthers 17.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON [44]: We hate to admit it, but Washington starting to look pretty decent. Ugh ... we need a shower. Racists 23, GIants 22.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Minnesota, Green Bay

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

2009 Week 14 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 14 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just posting the score for tonight's game -- the rest of The Hoser will follow tomorrow.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Another solid week for The Hoser, although Kurt Warner deciding to turn back the clock and help his team become the Arizona Turnovers cost us the Trifecta.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 14, where we’ll be doing our Christmas shopping wherever Falcons defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux pick up his one-and-a-half ounce goodie bag.

The Hoser was above .500 again at 9-7 both against the spread and straight up, but the Saints struggling against Washington cost us both our Lock and the Trifecta. We’re still up for the year, but the run of Locks is over and this week, it doesn’t look much better.

New England head coach Bill Belichick sent four players home Wednesday after they were late for an 8 a.m. meeting. Linebacker Adalius Thomas said, “You can't run people over getting to work, so there ain't nothing to really apologize (for).” Apparently, he never caught a ride with Randy Moss.

In other tangentially sports-related news, Tiger and Elin Woods are now rumoured to be moving to a private island in Scandinavia to get away from the publicity. Real reason – Ekin doesn’t know it, but the Swedish Bikini Team’s training facilities are on the next island over.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as turning your back on Flozell Adams.

Pittsburgh (-10) at CLEVELAND [33]: There could be less scoring here than in the Woods compound this weekend. Steelers 19, Browns 10.

Denver (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: Indianapolis has struggled early in games all season. That’ll keep this one tight enough until the end to let the Broncos cover. Colts 26, Broncos 21.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at MINNESOTA [43]: So apparently all you have to stop the Vikings is shut down Adrian Peterson. And all you have to do solve the world’s energy problems is create cold fusion. Vikings 24, Bengals 20.

NY Jets (-3) at TAMPA BAY [37]: Somewhere, “Ice Road Truckers” is on. Go find it. Jets 20, Buccaneers 14.

Buffalo (PK) at KANSAS CITY [37]: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Matt Cassel. Not exactly Montana vs. Marino, is it? Bills 21, Chiefs 17.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO [41]: Officials have now announced the reason the Salahis were able to sneak into a White House dinner – the Secret Service hired off-duty Green Bay offensive linemen as security. Packers 23, Bears 17.

New Orleans (-10.5) at ATLANTA [50]: That wasn’t a bullet the Saints dodged last week – it was an ICBM. It won’t be so rough this week. Saints 30, Falcons 20.

Detroit (+13.5) at BALTIMORE [40]: In their last three games, the Ravens have faced Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Welcome then, Baltimore, to what is known as your “informal bye week.” Ravens 26, Lions 16.

Miami (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [44]: The Jaguars are 7-5 despite being outscored 225-273 this season. Go ahead and make that Scooby-Doo “UhhHH?!?” noise – we did. (And yes, Scooby-Doo is hyphenated. We checked.) Jaguars 23, Dolphins 21.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND [44]: The Panthers are saying Matt Moore is starting at quarterback because of Jake Delhomme’s finger. That’s only because it’s considered rude to list Delhomme as “Questionable: Sucks Ass” on the injury report. Patriots 27, Panthers 16.

Seattle (+6) at HOUSTON [44.5]: This doesn’t have anything to do with the game, but are people still buying their daughters Bratz dolls for Christmas? Seriously? “Hey, hun, play with these little training whores!” Texans 27, Seahawks 20.

St. Louis (+13) at TENNESSEE [41]: There is some good news for the Rams … actually, no, there isn’t. We were hoping we’d think of something before the end of this sentence. Titans 27, Rams 16.

Washington (-1) at OAKLAND [37.5]: Who’s having the tougher time getting a win in the nation’s capital these days – the football team or Obama? Amiright? Raiders 22, Racists 20.

San Diego (+3) at DALLAS [48.5]: Did you know the Cowboys are 15-27 in December since 2000? We bet Jerry Jones knows, and he’ll be sure to tell Wade Phillips when he cans him at the end of the season. Chargers 30, Cowboys 23.

Philadelphia (+1) at NY GIANTS [44.5]: Swear to God, if you click to the Eagles’ home page from nfl.com right now, they have an intro using the same music Spongebob Squarepants uses for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. Don’t ask how we know that. Eagles 24, Giants 21.

Arizona (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [44.5]: Is there some reason Brett Favre gets all the love he does and Kurt Warner gets little to no attention? Who has the better story, and which one is not a self-absorbed prima donna? Cardinals 27, 49ers 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 13 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-470

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 136-55
Against The Spread: 104-86-2
Lock of the Week: 7-6
Trifecta: 3-10
Money: $+1,990

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 13, where we promise to refrain from any Tiger Woods one-liners – at least until the third graph.

The Hoser squeaked over the .500 mark against the spread at 8-7-1 and was 13-3 straight up. What we’ve learned this season is to stop picking schmucks as the Lock, as Indianapolis came through for us again to put us in the black for the week. What wev haven’t learned is to stop picking schmucks in our Trifecta, and the Raiders sank us once again.

Are we at the third graph yet?

We thought about doing an all-Tiger week, but why take food out of Jay Leno’s mouth? Seriously, though, Tiger will lose tons of endorsements, but we think he could hook up with Astroglide. He’ll need a case after the divorce reaming that might be coming down the pike.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not having that fire hydrant at the end of your driveway painted a really bright shade of yellow.

NY Jets (-3) at BUFFALO [37]: The Bills will put Ryan Fitzpatrick under centre again. Fitzpatrick played his college ball at Harvard, which means if he has any success at all he’ll be smart enough to get the hell out of Buffalo when his contract’s up. Bills 20, Jets 19.

Denver (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [38]: Does anyone else play for the Chiefs besides Chris Chambers? Broncos 24, Chiefs 17.

Oakland (+14.5) at PITTSBURGH [37]: Yep. We’ll bite again. Steelers 24, Raiders 13.

Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE [46.5]: We know it says, “Pick ‘em,” but do we have to? Jaguars 23, Texans 21.

Tennessee (+6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [47]: Oof. How do you pick against an undefeated powerhouse like the Colts? Just like this. Titans 22, Colts 19.

Philadelphia (-5.5) at ATLANTA [44]: No Matt Ryan. No Michael Turner. No chance. Eagles 26, Falcons 14.

Detroit (+13) at CINCINNATI [42]: The Lions may be forced to play third-string QB Drew Stanton, and if he gets hurt, Eric Hipple will be warming up. Bengals 27, Lions 17.

New Orleans (-9.5) at WASHINGTON [47.5]: You guys are aware the Saints just beat the Patriots like Elin beat … oh, nevermind. Saints 34, Redskins 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CAROLINA [40]: Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will apparently miss this contest with a broken finger, which raises the question – how could they tell? Buccaneers 20, Panthers 19.

St. Louis (+9) at CHICAGO [41]: This is our sneaky pick of the week, but not because we know anything special about the Rams. We just know the Bears totally suck. Bears 21, Rams 17.

San Diego (-13) at CLEVELAND [43]: You know who could straighten out the Browns? Former University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Well, straighten them out or eat them. Chargers 34, Browns 10.

San Francisco (PK) at SEATTLE [41.5]: We know it’s tough to play in Seattle, but this line makes it seem like the seventh level of Hell. And everyone knows that’s in Oakland. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (-5) at ARIZONA [48]: Kurt Warner comes back from a concussion for the Cardinals just in time to get his head beaten in by Jared Allen. Vikings 27, Cardinals 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at NY GIANTS [45]: In our heads, we still hear Pat Summerall calling these games. Cowboys 21, Giants 20.

New England (-6) at MIAMI [46.5]: Given the season so far and the negativity around the Pats, doesn’t it seem like their record should be much worse than 7-4? They’re leading their division by two games, people! Patriots 24, Miami 21.

Baltimore (+3) at GREEN BAY [43.5]: We’d give you an over/under on sacks on Aaron Rodgers, but we still don’t know how to make the infinity sign on our keyboard. Packers 22, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Denver, New Orleans, Green Bay

2009 Week 12 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $430

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 127-48
Against The Spread: 95-79-2
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 3-9
Money: $2,460

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks 2009 Week 12, where we’re donating some of our winnings to buy Devin Hester a new butt. As you saw, his has a crack in it.

The Hoser again went a cruddy 8-8 against the spread and an easy 14-2 straight up, which of course counts for nothing. The freaking Packers cost us our Trifecta by a half-point, but the Lock on Indy put us in the black again. That boosts us over $2,000 profit for the year – in fake money.

Here in Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving more than a month ago, which means The Hoser is now down to a half a Corningware dish of green-bean casserole. We had some this morning while we watched the parade from New York. Is there anything that doesn’t have a musical adapation right now? What’s next – “Pepto Bismol: Indigestion In Song?” Actually, we might see that if Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t involved.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Lucy hold the ball.

Green Bay (-10.5) at DETROIT [47.5]: Here’s your annual chance to see the Lions get stuffed. Packers 30, Lions 20.

Oakland (+13.5) at DALLAS [40]: Talk about your home cooking for Dallas’s schedule. Still, with Bruce Gradkowski under center for the Raiders, this game might not be such a turkey after all. Cowboys 28, Raiders 17.

NY Giants (-6.5) at DENVER [42]: The Broncos or canned cranberry sauce – which will be less popular this Thursday? Giants 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON [NL]: It may be turkey time, but if Texans kicker Kris Brown misses one more important field goal, his goose will be cooked. Colts 24, Texans 17.

Cleveland (+14) at CINCINNATI [38.5]: The Bengals rebound and gobble up Cleveland. Bengals 31, Browns 19.

Chicago (+10.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: Thanksgiving means a lot to Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. After all, he was alive for the first one. Vikings 33, Bears 19.

Washington (+9) at PHILADELPHIA [41]: Wouldn’t this be a great day for Washington to change its name? Eagles 27, Redskins 13.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO [40]: If Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told you to stop by for Thanksgiving dinner and that he would be smoking a turkey … what would you expect? Dolphins 26, Bills 16.

Arizona (+3) at TENNESSEE [NL]: Only six more to go! Titans 24, Cardinals 20.

Seattle (-3) at ST LOUIS [42.5]: Like watching two sissy cousins fighting over the last piece of mincemeat pie. Seahawks 23, Rams 17.

Tampa Bay (+12) at ATLANTA [46]: This won’t be much of a contest, but at least the Creamsicle uniforms would look nice set against the changing of the leaves. Falcons 31, Buccaneers 13.

Carolina (+3) at NY JETS [41.5]: Could Drew Stafford be more accurate with his separated left arm than either of the quarterbacks playing in this game throwing with their rights? Jets 26, Panthers 19.

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [41.5]: 49ers – that’s about what our pants size will be on Friday morning. 49ers 22, Jaguars 17.

Kansas City (+13.5) at SAN DIEGO [45]: Speaking of holidays, Christmas came early for the Chiefs last week. Expect the Grinch this Sunday. Chargers 34, Chiefs 17.

Pittsburgh (PK) at BALTIMORE [NL]: Around your (Santonio) Holmes or (Ziggy) Hood, you could make a nice (Charlie) Batch of cookies – just be sure not to (Joe) Burnett. No comment about what dinner could do to your (Willie) Colon. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.

New England (+3) at NEW ORLEANS [56]: Thanksgiving in New Orleans – if women flash you, do you throw drumsticks? Saints 31, Patriots 27.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Miami, Oakland

2009 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 14-2
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $320

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 114-45
Against The Spread: 87-72-1
Lock of the Week: 6-5
Trifecta: 3-8
Money: $2,030

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $20
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $205
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-5

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to 2009 Week 11 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our Lock is actually sort of becoming, well … a Lock.

The Hoser came back to earth Week 10. After a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread, we were just 7-8 ATS and 9-6 straight up. Oakland cost us the Trifecta, but San Diego came through on the Lock again, which made us money for the week. Dare we make it three weeks in a row?

The Browns gave up a touchdown to Baltimore this week while having just 10 men on defense. The NFL will make it right, however, by allowing the Browns to play with 12 guys on the field on offense for the remainder of the season. They figure it won’t matter anyway.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as treating Kansas football coach Mark Mangino to lunch.

Miami (+3) at CAROLINA [42.5]: The Dolphins placed running back Ronnie Brown on injured reserve, which means fellow RB Ricky Williams will have to roll. Fortunately, he’s used to it. Panthers 26, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+3.5) at DETROIT [38.5]: The former home of the Lions, the Pontiac Silverdome, was sold this week. The possibility of demolishing the stadium still looms, but it’s unclear whether the new owners will allow Detroit to put the Lions inside when the charges go off. Lions 23, Browns 14.

Buffalo (+8.5) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5]: We’re not sure how Titans owner Bud Adams can be fined $250,000 for flipping the bird when the Bills themselves have been doing the same thing to their own fans for years. Jaguars 24, Bills 14.

Pittsburgh (-10) at KANSAS CITY [40]: If you’re in the K.C. area, skip the game and go eat some ribs at Gates & Sons. Steelers 27, Chiefs 13.

Indianapolis (-1) at BALTIMORE [44.5]: Why is this line so low? Are Art Donovan and Tony Siragusa suiting up for the Ravens? Colts 24, Ravens 17.

Atlanta (+6.5) at NY GIANTS [46.5]: We’re rooting for the Falcons just to see if Tom Coughlin’s face turns a deeper red then it was against the Packers last year. Giants 23, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at GREEN BAY [42.5]: If the Packers held Dallas to seven points, they should be able to take the 49ers into negatives. Packers 26, 49ers 16.

Seattle (+11) at MINNESOTA [46]: Weren’t people saying before the season that the Vikings didn’t have the receivers for Brett Favre? Vikings 27, Seahawks 17.

Washington (+11) at DALLAS [41.5]: If Washington can get the Cowboys to fall for five or six of those nifty fake field goal/punt combos, they might have a chance. Cowboys 27, Racists 17.

New Orleans (-11) at TAMPA BAY [51]: There have been comments that the Saints’ offense hasn’t looked up to speed the last few weeks – which means they’ll only score 30+ on Tampa Bay. Saints 34, Buccaneers 20.

Arizona (-9) at ST LOUIS [46.5]: The Cardinals return to their old stomping grounds, by which we mean they got stomped there a lot. Cardinals 27, Rams 20.

NY Jets (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [45]: After all the flack he’s gotten this week, we wouldn’t be surprised if Patriots head coach Bill Belichick had trouble deciding between the soup or salad. Patriots 27, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (-9.5) at OAKLAND [36]: We don’t think the Bengals signing K.C. castoff Larry Johnson is a bad idea. We just hope the Cincy city council has more money to appropriate for battered women’s shelters. Bengals 31, Raiders 13.

San Diego (+3) at DENVER [45]: We’ve looked at this three or four times. The Broncos are the favourite here exactly why? Chargers 26, Broncos 20.

Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO [45]: Many thanks to Bears QB Jay Cutler for his help in recycling. Altering our existing “Man, is Jake Delhomme inaccurate!” jokes will save thousands of trees. Eagles 26, Bears 21.

Tennessee (+4.5) at HOUSTON [48]: Kids everywhere will be asking for Bud Adams’s new hit single, “The (Double) Bird Is The Word.” Titans 31, Texans 23.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: San Diego, Green Bay, Indianapolis

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-6
Against The Spread: 7-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $220

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 100-42
Against The Spread: 79-64-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,710

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: Each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $500 Lock of the Week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Mediocre week so far, but we hit our Lock and that brightens up everything. 7-7 against the spread and 8-6 straight up, but we're up for the week, despite the Raiders sinking our Trifecta. Maybe they are smart enough to lose on purpose.

We sure hope Jim Zorn designed this fake field goal/punt hybrid. That's a job saver right there, folks.

Pull for the Quinn tonight!

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks (pending Monday night):
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $330

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-42
Against The Spread: 79-63-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,820

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week 10 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re sure you’ll all be thankful we’ll be brief (trade show this week – I’ll be the guy in the “Norman Chad rocks!” t-shirt).

The Hoser has a very big cookie bouquet on the way to Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford, whose pick six led to Seattle covering at the very end of the game. That gave both our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We were 8-5 against the spread and 9-4 straight up.

That’s a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread and two of three Locks and Trifectas. We’d get a swelled head, but we already wear a size 7 ¾ baseball cap, so it’s a little late for that.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your news from FOX.

Chicago (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [43.5]: 49ers tight end Vernon Davis had some unflattering things to say this week about the Bears’ defense, but they couldn’t have been any uglier than what we suspect is being said around Chicago itself. 49ers 23, Bears 17.

Jacksonville (+7) at NY JETS [40.5]: Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez – from GQ to PU in two months. Jets 23, Jaguars 17.

Denver (-3.5) at WASHINGTON [37]: Boy, Sherman Lewis fixed everything, huh? Broncos 24, Racists 16.

Cincinnati (+7) at PITTSBURGH [41.5]: Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has been told not to send mustard to the Steelers, but we guarantee they’ll relish shutting his ass down. Steelers 27, Bengals 17.

Buffalo (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [41]: You know, if the Titans win out … (slaps self). Titans 31, Bills 13.

Detroit (+16.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: This will be a terrible game, but the good news? There’ll be plenty of time to run to the kitchen for lutefisk! Vikings 34, Lions 16.

New Orleans (-13.5) at ST LOUIS [50]: The Rams have a total of eight touchdowns this season. That’s awful, but it’s eight more than The Hoser scored in his 13-year football career. Saints 40, Rams 17.

Atlanta (-1.5) at CAROLINA [43.5]: Nothing could be finer than to visit Carolina and get back to your winning ways. Falcons 26, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+10) at MIAMI [44]: Project Runway would have a fit, but we say ride those Creamsicle unis until the winning streak ends – which it will here anyway. Dolphins 24, Buccaneers 17.

Kansas City (+2) at OAKLAND [36.5]: Both of these teams would benefit from losing this game, and neither organization is probably smart enough to drop it on purpose. Raiders 20, Chiefs 16.

Seattle (+8.5) at ARIZONA [47]: (Our) reports of the demise of Kurt Warner were apparently greatly exaggerated. Nice to see Matt Leinart get a chance to prove he’s the heir apparent, though, wasn’t it? Cardinals 27, Seahawks 20.

Philadelphia (+1) at SAN DIEGO [47]: The Chargers are back. We can tell the swagger’s returned because Shawne Merriman has his Kijiji ad – “WANTED: TALENTLESS BIMBOS” – up again. Chargers 24, Eagles 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at GREEN BAY [47.5]: Did the Pope visit the Packers in the offseason, because man, is that offensive line holy! Cowboys 26, Packers 23.

New England (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS [49.5]: Tougher to call than a friend at a Motorhead concert, but we like the Colts to stay undefeated. Colts 24, Patriots 23.

Baltimore (-10.5) at CLEVELAND [40]: MNF couldn’t switch out of this one? Ravens 20, Browns 13.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-36
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All in all a solid week -- thanks to our pal Matthew Stafford for the pick six that covered our trifecta.

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-38
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week Nine, our annual haiku edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, and where we’re well versed in losing money.

The Hoser had an extremely odd week. We watched as it appeared we were blown out of the water right out of the gate, but because of the number of underdogs we picked to cover, we managed to go 8-5 against the spread. Of course, we were just 7-6 straight up and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

In honour this special week, here’s a starter haiku for our friends out in Raiderland:

Those charges will keep
Tom from laying his Cable
In the near future.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as offering your body in trade for World Series tickets.

Kansas City (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41.5]:

K.C.’s in turmoil
Because a running back is
Acting like his name.
Jaguars 29, Chiefs 14.

Baltimore (-3) at CINCINNATI [43.5]:

The Bengals: At last
At least more popular than
homey Nick Lachey.
Ravens 21, Bengals 19.

Houston (+9) at INDIANAPOLIS [48]:

Manning at the helm
Means we’re Slaton a beating
For the visitors.
Colts 28, Texans 20.

Washington (+10) at ATLANTA [41.5]:

Good thing it’s haiku
There’s nothing much funny that
Rhymes well with “racist.”
Falcons 26, Racists 13.

Green Bay (-9.5) at TAMPA BAY [43.5]:

The Packers bounce back
Winning and sticking it in
Tampa’s Buccaneer.
Packers 31, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona (+3) at CHICAGO [44.5]:

Warner’s looking old;
Who’s going to take over?
Lein(art) forms to your right.
Bears 24, Cardinals 20.

Miami (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [46.5]:

The Dolphins love tricks
But the Patriots will change
“Wildcat” to “Mildcat.”
New England 30, Miami 21.

Carolina (+13) at NEW ORLEANS [51.5]:

The Panthers don’t suck
But for New Orleans, this game
Will still be a Brees.
Saints 31, Panthers 20.

Detroit (+10) at SEATTLE [43]:

Things are still rough, but
At least Lions fans can say,
“There’s no Matt Millen.”
Seahawks 26, Lions 13.

Tennessee (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]:

The switch has been made,
And we know the Titans are
Again Young at heart.
Titans 22, 49ers 20.

San Diego (+4.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS [47.5]:

Eli and Peyton?
Weird names, but we guess it beats
Being called Archie.
Chargers 26, Giants 23.

Pittsburgh (-3) at DENVER [39.5]:

It’s a Samoan phrase
Meaning “kicks ass with great hair”:
Troy Polamalu.
Steelers 22, Broncos 20.

Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA [48]:

It’s a Jerry phrase
Meaning “Attention whore here!”
Telemanjaro.
Eagles 26, Cowboys 21.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Carolina

2009 Week Eight Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 7-6
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 82-34
Against The Spread: 64-51-1
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 2-6
Money: $140

2009 Week Eight Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Eight Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $160
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $-10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.