Editor's Note: This post has been modified at 8:29 EST to correct a misspelled name. No predictions have been altered. I promise. Seriously.

Welcome to Week One of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, just like American Idol, Brett Favre and Newt Gingrich, we’ll never go away.

Speaking of Favre, His Royal Interceptedness now dons the purple finery of the Minnesota Vikings. We don’t want to say Favre has commitment issues, but his career’s been more on-again, off-again than Nina Hartley’s.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as tying your romantic future to a bisexual reality TV star.

Tennessee (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH (35) – The Titans have cursed themselves in our eyes by cutting punter A.J. Trepasso. You have a guy who a) scores on a fake punt the first time he touches the ball in a game and b) causes Jerry Jones grief by banging a punt off his new toy – and you let him go? Shame shame. Steelers 20, Titans 13.

Miami (+4) at ATLANTA (43.5) – The Dolphins have been adding owners like crazy. Too bad they haven’t been doing the same with talent. Falcons 23, Dolphins 17.

Kansas City (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37) – If the oddsmakers have the line right on this one, they’re expecting the Chiefs to score 13 or 14 points, and that’s about 13 or 14 more than we figure them for. Ravens 24, Chiefs 7.

Philadelphia (-1.5) at CAROLINA (43.5) – If the Panthers’ game-day operations staff has any guts at all, they’ll have “Who Let The Dogs Out” roaring during the pre-game. Eagles 28, Panthers 20.

Denver (+4) at CINCINNATI (43) – Let the Kyle Orton era begin! Broncos 26, Bengals 21.

Minnesota (-4) at CLEVELAND (39.5) – We wanted to order a unique Brady Quinn Browns jersey, but the NFL said “METROSEXUAL” won’t fit on the back. Vikings 24, Browns 17.

New York Jets (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5) – A crisp $20 bill to the first announcer who sees Jets QB Mark Sanchez get up from a sack and refers to him as “dirty.” Jets 23, Texans 21.

Jacksonville (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5) – Word is the Jaguars may be up for sale and on the move. This game won’t help the team’s market value, though. Colts 29, Jaguars 19.

Detroit (+13) at NEW ORLEANS (49) – Poor Matthew Stafford. He’s young, good-looking, rich … and he has to play for the Lions. That’s like winning the lottery and having to spend all the money at Wal-Mart. Saints 27, Lions 13.

Dallas (-5.5) at TAMPA BAY (39) – If Cowboys owner Jerry Jones would lift his new scoreboard rig half as far as he’s lifted his face, no punter would ever hit Telemanjaro. Cowboys 23, Buccaneers 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (46.5) – Hmmm, the defending NFC champs against a team deciding between Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at quarterback … and only a touchdown? Maybe 49ers head coach Mike Singletary gave Danny Sheridan the evil eye, but then – how could you tell? Cardinals 34, 49ers 14.

Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (37) – The good news for incarcerated wide receiver Plaxico Burress? He’s already used to dealing with Giants in the shower. Giants 24, Redskins 20.

St. Louis (+7.5) at SEATTLE (41.5) – This game should help determine who gets closest to Phoenix’s ass all season in the NFC West. Seahawks 29, Rams 19.

Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (46) – Best anti-Favre t-shirt to pop up so far? A stylized sketch of him framed by the state of Wisconsin with the words, “We’ll Never Forget You, Brent.” Packers 27, Bears 20.

Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5) – The Bills canned offensive coordinator Turk Schonert just days before the start of the season, and he claimed head coach Dick Jauron said the offensive was too complicated. Given Buffalo averaged just 14 points a contest during the preseason, “complicated” may have been code for “you suck.” Patriots 26, Bills 13.

San Diego (-9.5) at OAKLAND (43) – The Raiders have announced another blockbuster deal with the New England Patriots. This time, Oakland has swapped all future first-round picks in perpetuity for Teddy Bruschi, Steve Grogan and the rights to Methuselah. Chargers 31, Raiders 13.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Arizona

Over/Under Good Buys: Arizona/San Fran Over, Baltimore/KC Under

This has been out for a long, long time, but man, is some of this stuff comedy gold. Drop by SomethingAwful.com's AOL Websearch special and let the hilarity ensue.

Take the time also to stop by Dogpile's SearchSpy, where you can see the weird things people are searching for right now!

What a weird day. Two celebrities die -- one great and one not-so-great -- and the news media loses its collective mind.

I get some of the shock over the death of Michael Jackson. It wasn't expected, and for more than a decade, he was the most amazing musician and entertainer on the planet. Some people say Thriller is one of the top five albums of all time. I don't know about that -- hell, I liked Off The Wall better.

Unfortunately, Jackson's life in the last 15-20 years has pretty much wiped that slate clean for me. Is there much doubt the man was into some seriously disturbed shit? I mean, you can draw a pretty strong conclusion about a guy who dangled his own child off a balcony.

CNN was actually stopping people in Times Square to get reactions to Jackson's death. I would have said, "Wow, when did you guys become E! Network? Isn't North Korea building a nuclear arsenal right now, you gits?"

As for Farrah Fawcett, has anyone gotten farther on a stiff nipple? Sure, she was beautiful, but so are lots of other people. Fawcett was an awful actress, "Charlie's Angels" was an awful show, and she never got any better.

Are we all going to go mental when Jaclyn Smith passes away? Christ, at least she had a line of clothing at K-Mart.

It's a pretty strong statement about the state of the media when this stuff dominates all day long. And you know when I'm really going to be pissed off? When Stephen Hawking dies and it gets a passing mention on The Situation Room."

Well, my Blues are out of the playoffs after being swept in the first round by Vancouver. I'll still apply my Blues stickers to my new Blackberry, but it will be done with a deep sadness.

It was good for the youngsters to get a taste of the playoffs and be better prepared for next season, and it certainly doesn't hurt the organization to pick up the revenue from a couple of extra sellouts.

Still ... damn you, Luongo!

For some lighter fare, stop by Elvis Has Left, where our intrepid reporter, errr ... reports on the results of wearing a Malkin 3rd jersey to a playoff game in Philly.

In an offseason of gagging head coaches and shedding malcontents, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has finally made the most obvious move of all -- releasing wide receiver Terrell Owens.

Any locker room and sideline is better without Owens, and while he's a great receiver, I think the equation reads:

NFLteam + TOskill + TOheadaches < NFLteam - TOskill - TOheadaches

He's just too much of a distraction, and there are plenty of receivers out there who may not be able to add his talent, but don't cause negatives everywhere else.

Does this signal a rebuilding phase for Dallas? Hardly. They have one of the league's finest quarterbacks in Tony Romo, a solid backfield, perennial All-Pro tight end Jason Witten and several strong wideouts.

Plus, you just know Jones is going to go out and land someone else to put even more flash in his offense.

Chad Johnson, anyone?

Well, it's official.

Steven Page has left Barenaked Ladies through what was termed on the band's website as "mutual agreement". I completely understand wanting to hoe your own row (especially after 20 years on the job -- even if the job is "rock star"), but it still makes me a little sad.

I first saw BNL back in the early 90s, in a smallish venue called the American Theater in St. Louis. The crowd was maybe 1,500 and a band called The Bogmen opened for them. I really didn't have too much idea what to expect, have only recently found the band and driving the patrons at a local bar crazy by playing "Be My Yoko Ono" every night I DJ'ed.

When the Ladies hit the stage, though -- wow, how do you describe the band to someone who has never seen them? Great musicianship, great stories, great dancing (ha!) ... great fun! It was like a variety show done almost completely ad-libbed, and there was nary a dull moment.

I had never spent a night more drawn in by any entertainment. I laughed, I sang, I even danced a little. When the show ended and we were filing out, people in the crowd were talking about when they could see the band again.

Like them, I was hooked, and since then I have seen the band five more times and bought multiple copies of every album. Hell, I used to pick up extra copies of the CDs at used record stores and just give them to friends to try and get them involved.

I'll still go see BNL whenever they're nearby, and the same goes for Steven and his projects. I'm not going to take a side as a fan, in other words -- there's enough admiration and respect on my end to go around for everyone.

Good luck both to Steven and to the Ladies. The future may be uncertain, but judging by the past, it'll still rock.

The staff at The Hoser's weekly NFL Picks has been busy getting ready for the new baby. Surprisingly, I predicted this child would be a girl ... and I was correct!

Steelers 27, Cardinals 17 ... and God, do I hope I'm wrong.

Go Cards!

I'm not normally a fan of watching videos of accidents or crashes, but this security camera video of the Hudson River plane incident is amazing. Wait until the end, where someone in the building sees what's going on and zooms in on the plane.

How this guy landed that plane that softly on glide ... incredible. I hope he gets a big-assed bonus from his employers for saving them about umpteen billion dollars in lawsuits.

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks, Week Three, where we're wondering if former Cowboys star Michael Irvin actually avoided a carjacking by giving the thug one of his signature autographed crack pipes.

The Hoser posted another solid postseason week, going 3-1 both against the spread and straight up. We thought the weather would be worse in Pittsburgh, and frankly, we just didn't have a big enough sac to go with our gut and pick Arizona to win the game outright. To paraphrase Dabney Coleman in Dragnet, you'd have to have balls as big as church balls to have pulled that one off.

According to a report on Bloomberg.com, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner can add as much as $4M to his base salary for next season if Arizona wins the Super Bowl. That's probably enough to buy the photographic rights to those shots of his wife where she's a dead ringer for Susan Powter.

Speaking of Arizona, the Cardinals are running a great promotion at this week's NFC Championship game -- buy a family four-pack of hot dogs and drinks and receive the Phoenix Coyotes for free.

As always, these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as taking the head coaching job in Detroit -- good luck, Jim "May I Be With You" Schwartz!

Philadelphia (-3.5) at ARIZONA -- O/U 47.5: It pains us to say this, but this is where the Cardinals' road ends. Last week's win over the Panthers was more about Jake Delhomme's collapse than Arizona's dominance, and now they face an Eagles team peaking at exactly the right time.
If Philadelphia could handle the Giants with little contribution from Brian Westbrook, there's no reason to think they won't score on Arizona's weaker defense with him being targeted more. McNabb and the Eagles will dial up an easy victory -- and Donovan won't have to pick up a sideline phone to do it. Eagles 30, Cardinals 17.

Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 33.5: We like Ravens' rookie quarterback Joe Flacco all right. We're just not ready to say he's the greatest first-year QB ever. In fact, he'll be opposite the man who probably is -- Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger.
Flacco only managed to go 11-for-22 for 161 yards last week against Tennessee, and now he'll be facing the NFL's best defense both against the pass and overall. That doesn't smell like a third rookie playoff win to us.
The Steelers will ride their balanced offense just enough to win this game. However, at below-freezing temperatures and an 80% chance of flurries, we like the Ravens to cover. Steelers 19, Ravens 16.

Postseason Record:

Last Week ATS: 3-1

Last Week SU: 3-1

Total ATS: 7-1

Total SU: 7-1

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks, Week Two, where we're wishing now-former Boston College head coach Jeff Jagodzinski good luck with his next job interview -- at Burger King.

The Hoser nailed it last week, going a perfect four-for-four both against the spread and straight up. Why couldn't we be this eerily accurate during the regular season? Oh right, 16 games instead of four.

The Cowboys finally figured out having PacMan Jones around to average 4.5 yards per punt return and pick off exactly zero passes wasn't really worth it, cutting him loose this week. We swear to God, according to this article in the Kansas City Star, Jones actually said football isn't everything to him. "I loves me some me," Jones said.

No kidding.

You might think Jones's next stop would be prison, or alcohol rehab. We can only think of one more appropriate place -- Oakland.

As always, these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as going for a cruise in the Suez Canal.

Baltimore (+2.5) at TENNESSEE -- O/U 34: We have absolutely no faith in the Titans. Do we need to say anything besides that? Ravens 20, Titans 19.

Arizona (+9.5) at CAROLINA -- O/U 48: The Panthers are undefeated at home this season, and the Cardinals are 0-5 on the East Coast. That's enough to overcome my Kurt Warner mancrush. Panthers 28, Cardinals 20.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at NY GIANTS -- O/U 40.5: Is anything scarier than a division game in the playoffs? For New York -- who has already lost to Philadelphia at home this season -- there shouldn't be. A lot depends on Brandon Jacobs, but we'll take the Iggles on the road. Philadelphia 23, New York 19.

San Diego (+6) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 38: We're not a huge fan of the Steelers right now -- but we're also thinking Darren Sproles is not going to run through Pittsburgh the way he did the Colts. The cold weather will keep it close, though. Steelers 17, Chargers 14.

Postseason Record:

Against The Spread: 4-0

Straight Up: 4-0

As you can see below, The Hoser nailed the first pick, and now what we thought we be a shocker:

Indianapolis Colts (+1) at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -- O/U 50: San Diego 27, Indianapolis 21.

Whether LT plays or not, we'll take the hot hand at home. Besides, even if Christmas is past, Chargers backup RB Darren Sproles is still our favourite little elf.

Baltimore Ravens (+3) at MIAMI DOLPHINS -- O/U 37.5: Baltimore 21, Miami 16.

Sorry, Charlie -- this is where The Tuna's amazing run ends. The Ravens will put the clamp down on Miami's only-adequate offense.

Philadelphia Eagles (+3) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS -- O/U 41.5: Philadelphia 31, Minnesota 16.

The lone blowout. Playoff experience trumps ... one really fantastic running back and not a whole lot else.

Cardinals 26, Falcons 23.

Rest later!