The Hoser on the NFL, 2023 Week Three Edition

I'm a little late, but scores were posted at http://www.2nspl.com/index.html, so I'm not making up the Thursday score.

San Francisco 30, NY Giants 17

LA Chargers 24, Minnesota 23

Tennessee 19, Cleveland 16

Jacksonville 30, Houston 16

NY Jets 23, Patriots 21

New Orleans 22, Green Bay 20

Miami 34, Denver 23

Buffalo 27, Washington 20

Detroit 29, Atlanta 20

Baltimore 30, Indianapolis 16

Carolina 22, Seattle 20

Dallas 31, Arizona 14

Kansas City 34, Chicago 20

Las Vegas 23, Pittsburgh 21

Philadelphia 24, Tampa Bay 23

LA Rams 30, Cincinnati 20

The Hoser On The NFL, 2023 Week Two

Crazy week preparing for podcast hits and hosting a dinner with a HHOFer - just the picks and will update totals next week.

LA Chargers 26, Tennessee 17

Green Bay 24, Atlanta 20

Houston 20, Indianapolis 19

Detroit 31, Seattle 17

Chicago 20, Tampa Bay 17

Buffalo 29, Las Vegas 22.

Kansas City 30, Jacksonville 27

Baltimore 27, Cincinnati 20

San Francisco 31, LA Rams 20

Dallas 22, NY Jets 17

Washington 24, Denver 20

Miami 34, New England 27

New Orleans 26, Carolina 20

Cleveland 24, Pittsburgh 13

NY Giants 23, Arizona 20

The Hoser On The NFL, 2023 Week 2 Thursday Night Edition

Just the game tonight - will have a full column up tomorrow or Saturday.

Minnesota (+7) at PHILADELPHIA (48): The Eagles looked sluggish last week, but you have to think Jalen Hurts will want to post a big night, especially given Philly is already banged up in the backfield. Eagles 29, Vikings 20.

The Hoser On The NFL, 2023 Week One

Welcome to Week 1 of the 2023 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems too damned hot to be starting football.

I think back to two-a-days in Illinois in the middle of August, 95 degrees and humid, no wind ... and having to do extra windsprints because I failed the Fat Man Run by six seconds. SIX SECONDS. I wasn't fat, damn it, I was slow!

The format will stay as it has been for the past  – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the lines of the National Score Predictions League each week (available at https://2nspl.com/index.html).

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to make real bets is as advisable as having Hunter Biden hold for you.

Detroit (+6.5) at KANSAS CITY (54.5): The Lions are going to be a vastly improved, vastly more entertaining team, and Dan Campbell might be my favourite NFL head coach. It's still Pat Mahomes, though. Chiefs 30, Lions 23.

Carolina (+3.5) at ATLANTA (39.5): The Falcons might be the most improved team in the league. The Panthers ... well, they aren't. Falcons 26, Panthers 13.

Houston (+10) at BALTIMORE (43.5): This game might be rated 18+ for the extreme violence rookie QB C.J. Stroud is likely to endure. Ravens 26, Texans 17.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at CLEVELAND (47): If the Browns are smart, they'll run the ball 50 times. They're not. Bengals 27, Browns 17.

Jacksonville (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (45): I know it's Week One, but this total seems extremely low. This might push for a Lock of the Week. Jaguars 31, Colts 20.

Tampa Bay (+6) at MINNESOTA (45): The Bucs go from Tom Brady to Baker Mayfield, a drop so severe only Vesna Vulovic might be able to fathom it. Vikings 23, Buccaneers 16.

Tennessee (+3) at NEW ORLEANS (41.5): Derrick Henry might be another year older, but now he's got Tyjae Spears to capably spell him. The Titans will be boring, but I smell a bunch of 17-16 wins coming. Titans 20, Saints 17.

San Francisco (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): I have been stocking up on Sam Darnold rookie cards. I'm either a genius or an idiot. Keep your opinions on that to yourself. 49ers 23, Steelers 20.

Arizona (+7) at WASHINGTON (38): Boy, it's not obvious the Cardinals are tanking for Caleb Williams, is it? Didn't Arizona's front office have Johnny Manziel's number? Commanders 27, Cardinals 16.

Green Bay (+1) at CHICAGO (44.5): Have the Bears hired Lori Lightfoot as their new sideline mascot? Too scary for the kids? Bears 23, Packers 20.

Las Vegas (+3.5) at DENVER (44): New Broncos head coach Sean Payton has been catching some heat about being too public with some of his opinions, but I think he went too far when he said Bud Light was WAYYY better than Coors Light. Broncos 22, Raiders 20.

Miami (+3) at LA CHARGERS (50.5): There might be more total points in this game than Arizona scores all year. Chargers 31, Dolphins 26.

Philadelphia (-3.5) at NEW ENGLAND (45): I went looking for the latest Patriots news and what did I find - Bill Belichick split up with his girlfriend. I mean, Gisele's still single, right? Eagles 29, Patriots 17.

Los Angeles Rams (+5.5) at SEATTLE (46.5): The Rams continue to pay for mortgaging their future to win a Super Bowl, to which the LA front office just smiles and points at the ring. No Cooper Kupp, either. Seahawks 29, Rams 16.

Dallas (-3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): The Giants at least cover in a game tighter than the skin on Jerry's face. Giants 23, Cowboys 20.

Buffalo (-2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (46.5): Is Aaron Rodgers even back from Burning Man yet? Bills 24, Jets 20.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Atlanta, Jacksonville

2023 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 0-0
Against The Spread: 0-0
Lock of the Week: 0-0
Trifecta: 0-0
Money: $0

2023 Week 1 Money Spent: $0
2023 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2023 Season Money Spent: $0
2023 Season Money Made: $0
2023 Total: $0

A Humble Suggestion For Albert's 700th Ball

This is a rewrite of a piece I wrote when Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's record. The concept is still the same for Mr. Pujols, though.

Act I, Scene I

At RISE: A young man in a Dodgers jersey stands in front of a boardroom filled with middle-aged men and women in suits. He shifts from foot to foot nervously and holds something tightly in his right hand. A distinguished man at the head of the table clears his throat.

DISTINGUISHED MAN: So, you say you have a proposal for us?

BALLCATCHER: I do. I'd like you to rent me and this baseball for one year.

(general murmurs and quiet laughs from around the room)

DM: Why would we do that, Mr. Ballcatcher? We are already well regarded in St. Louis, and Anheuser-Busch's name has been mentioned in the news in the last seven days more than Post Malone and Taylor Swift combined.

We've also discussed the possibility of buying the ball from you and displaying it in our corporate headquarters, but have rejected that notion. We feel our customers would view it as wasteful spending.

BALLCATCHER: I'm sure that's true, sir, but hear me out. What I'm proposing is a goodwill tour for the ball and myself, one that would generate immeasurable publicity and goodwill for Anheuser-Busch at a limited cost -- a cost of $2M.

(Startled grunts from those assembled. Murphy holds up the ball and the room settles)

DM: Mr. Ballcatcher, did you think we didn't research the value of the ball? Todd McFarlane's ridiculous $3M purchase of Mark McGwire's 70th is a thing of the past. We feel you'd be lucky to get $500,000 for that.

BALLCATCHER: I think I'd get somewhere in that vicinity, sir, and if you accept my proposal, that's exactly what I'll get. But I'm not selling you the ball, as I said. I'm renting it -- and myself -- to you. For one year.

See, this whole idea of putting the ball up for auction makes me uncomfortable. I know it's the best way to get the most value for the ball -- but what happens to it then? I'm a fan of the game, not some huckster. I want people to be able to enjoy it in at least some small part the way I have for the past week.

That's why I came to you. For $2M you get the ball -- and me -- for one year. We tour the U.S., Japan, Sierra Leone, wherever your public relations staff says we should go. We make a roadshow of it -- let people see the ball, get close to the ball. Maybe the Hall of Fame would get involved, make a History of the Homer caravan. Ruth's bat, Baker's cleats, Reggie's wristbands. And on the side of the semi is "Proudly Presented by Anheuser-Busch."

At the outset, every newspaper and network in the country, maybe the world, would run a story about how Anheuser-Busch is taking the ball around the world. Then each city's papers and stations would cover the events. You'd get one full year's worth of great publicity.

DM: Intriguing. But you said you wouldn't be selling us the ball. So you'd keep it?

BALLCATCHER: No sir. At the end of the tour, you'd have two choices -- donate the ball to the Hall of Fame, or present it to Pujols before the last home game of the 2024 season.

It's the whole reason I'm doing this. I'd like to get some financial security out of this -- I'd be foolish not to do so. But I can also help out baseball, get the ball in the hands of someone who will deserve it and share it, and possibly help you out in the deal. Where's the downside?

DM: Why $2M? I thought you said you'd receive around $500,000 if we agreed to your proposal?

BALLCATCHER: I would. You would also sign two cheques before I start the tour -- one in the amount of $500,000 to the charity of Albert's choice, and the other for $1M to the Negro League Baseball Players Association.

I do have one other request, though.

DM: What is that?

BALLCATCHER: I'd like a job in your marketing department.

DM: (shakes head)

Pretty slick.

(turns to rest of room)

What do you all think?

(heads nod throughout room)

Son, I think we have a deal.

(lights fade and curtain closes)

Here at The Hoser, we're starting to ramp up for the start of the NFL season -- well, if there is one -- but for now, here's a little Mayer Hawthorne goodness to enjoy:

Mayer on Live At Daryl's House

There's been quite a bit of backslapping going on over the NHL's (and temp discipline honcho Mike Murphy's) four-game suspension of Vancouver's Aaron Rome after he concussed Boston's Nathan Horton in Game Three of the Stanley Cup Finals.

It's been pointed out only three players have ever been suspended during the Finals, and each of them received a single game. Of course, I haven't taken the time to see if any of those players intentionally attempted (and succeeded) in removing one of their opponents' most valuable pieces for the remainder of the postseason, and in any case, I don't think using the NHL's terrible history of disciplining its players in the measuring stick to use.

So forgive me if I don't think the Canucks losing some schlub that doesn't even appear on the depth chart matches up properly with the Bruins losing Horton. In fact, I bet there are some Vancouver fans out there who think this is a pretty good trade -- we lose Rome, they lose a player with 17 points in the postseason.

How to square things?

Pretty simple. Let's go back to the depth charts.

According to the Boston chart, Horton is the top-line right winger. For Vancouver, that's Jannik Hansen. So in addition to Rome, the NHL should remove Hansen for the remainder of the Finals.

That's not really even enough -- as Hansen has had nowhere near the impact Horton has -- but it's a start. It sends the message that taking a shot at an opponent's head doesn't just mean one of your idiots sits. It means you lose a piece arguably as valuable as the one you took out.

As another example, you can decide whether Washington's David Steckel or Tampa Bay's Victor Hedman gave Sidney Crosby the concussion that sidelined him for most of this season. But do you think either of those players would have done what they did knowing Alexander Ovechkin or Steven Stamkos would sit as long as Crosby?

Would it be fair to either Ovy or Stamkos to have to sit? Of course not. But is it fair to any player to have their health and livelihood threatened by some moron who doesn't care about his fellow player's well-being?

Under my system, I'm betting coaches might be a bit more interested in making sure their players aren't out headhunting. They might not even put those meatheads on the ice in the first place.

And that would definitely be worthy of a little backslapping all around.

Just the scores -- have you ever tried typing paragraphs on a Blackberry?


NY Jets (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (43): We have our fingers (and toes) crossed for Sexy Rexy. Steelers 23, Jets 20.

Green Bay (-3.5) at CHICAGO (38): There's a better chance you'd find an honest politician in The Windy City than a victory party on Sunday night. Packers 27, Bears 13.

Whether you view us as extremely lucky or Nostradamus, The Hoser scored a nice hit in calling the Seahawks over the Saints straight up last week. We hit both the upsets, but the Chiefs failed us and the Jets, well, they did to us what they always do to us. We were 3-1 straight up and 2-2 against the spread, but Green Bay was our Lock of the Week.

Baltimore (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (37): It's hard for The Hoser not to be influenced by how much he detests Ray Lewis. Not the football player, just the obnoxious, preening jackass he is. Seriously, have you seen the NFL Network's "Sound FX" show on him? He's like an idiot parrot -- "It's a MAN'S GAME, BABY!!!" -- over and over and over again.
Fortunately, we think the Steelers come out on top here again. Ben Roethlisberger seems to find a way to make it work in big games -- too bad we can't say the same for the ladies and motorcycle helmets. However, with the strong defenses and the cold, Baltimore will keep it within a field goal. Steelers 23, Ravens 20.

Green Bay (+2.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): How do you pick against Matt Ryan and the Falcons at home? Well, you do it like this.
The Packers have had a passing game all season (except when Aaron Rodgers was seeing Tweetybirds for a week or two). They've now got James Starks to compliment that aerial assault. Green Bay can run wide open if it wants, something the Falcons just can't do.
Atlanta beat the Packers by just a field goal a few weeks ago, but Rodgers had double the rushing yardage of anyone else on the team and still threw for more than 300 yards. Book Green Bay for the Super Bowl. Packers 24, Falcons 20.

Seattle (+10) at CHICAGO (41): Everyone's been asking us all week -- can the Seahawks do it again? Well, yes, they can. They're hopped up off a huge win, they're getting their running game going, and frankly, the Bears just aren't that good.
But being away from home means the loss of a big advantage for the Seahawks. The wild card here is Jay Cutler, who looks like Dan Marino one week and Foster Brooks the next. We expect Mike Martz to do the right thing and hand the ball to Matt Forte a whole bunch.
It'll be cold, just enough to make it tough to kick long field goal and maybe cause a fumble or two. That'll keep the score within the big spread, but it also means the end of Seattle season. Bears 19, Seahawks 17.

New York Jets (+9) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We grudgingly admire Bill Belichick and the Patriots at the same time we hate them. What other franchise does such an amazing job reloading every season? How do they make it work shuffling in defensive replacements and 85 different running backs? C'mon, Danny Woodhead?!?
At the same time, we hate the Jets, but we love Rex Ryan. The big mouth, the foot fetish, the comical gut -- bring it on. He's lovable and entertaining.
But this really boils down to trying to figure out how New York can possibly slow down Tom Brady. Do you really think he and Belichick can be beaten by a team led by Mark Sanchez?
They can't, and they won't be. Patriots 26, Jets 19.

Lock of the Week: Seattle

Yes, we know we've been slacking -- it was the holiday season, give us a break.

New Orleans (-10) at SEATTLE (45): We really wish this was just a half-point higher. All week we've had this weird feeling about the Seahawks -- tough home crowd, coming off an emotional win, finding their running game and perhaps a new leader in Clipboard Jesus. But this will be a closer game than people expect, and damn it, we're taking Seattle. Seahawks 22, Saints 20.

New York Jets (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): We're still pissed about the coverage of the whole Rex Ryan foot fetish thing. Christ, people, the guy likes feet and he loves his wife. Given the divorce rate in this country, better than half of you should be so lucky. Colts 24, Jets 17.

Baltimore (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): We have $10 on a 100-1 ticket for the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl. That's not going to happen, and they probably won't even get past the Ravens. And here we were going to take all 12 of you regular readers to the Wynn buffet with the winnings. Ravens 20, Chiefs 19.

Green Bay (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): The Packers will blitz the hell out of Michael Vick and despite his ability to run, he won't be able to target receivers. Take the points. Packers 26, Eagles 23.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Detroit (+3.5) at MIAMI (41): Lions 22, Dolphins 20.
Minnesota (+14) at PHILADELPHIA (37.5): Eagles 30, Vikings 17.
Washington (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE (45.5): Jaguars 28, Racists 17.
San Francisco (+2.5) at ST LOUIS (40): Rams 20, 49ers 16.
Seattle (+6) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): Buccaneers 24, Seahawks 17.
New England (-7.5) at BUFFALO (45.5): Patriots 24, Bills 21.
New York Jets (+2.5) at CHICAGO (36): Bears 20, Jets 16.
Baltimore (-3) at CLEVELAND (39.5): Ravens 22, Browns 16.
Tennessee (+4) at KANSAS CITY (42.5): Chiefs 26, Titans 19.
Indianapolis (-2) at OAKLAND (47): Raiders 29, Colts 26.
Houston (-3) at DENVER (49): Texans 23, Broncos 21.
New York Giants (+3) at GREEN BAY (43): Packers 24, Giants 20.
San Diego (-8) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Chargers 26, Bengals 16.
Atlanta (-2) at NEW ORLEANS (49): Falcons 26, Saints 23.

Lock of the Week: Detroit

Trifecta: Detroit, St. Louis, Oakland

Carolina (+14) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Two touchdowns is an awfully big number with an O/U of 37.5. Plus, don't they realize the Panthers are HOT right now?!? Steelers 23, Panthers 13.

Full picks will be posted on Saturday evening. Merry Christmas, everyone!