Welcome to Week 13 of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering how many turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing sandwiches our mother will eat this weekend.
The Hoser went 9-7 straight up and 6-9-1 against the spread in Week 12. We picked up the Lock for the fourth week in a row, but man – did we really pick the Eagles? And the Packers? It’s so tempting to use the blog’s editing function sometimes.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as picking Detroit to cover this week, apparently.
Tennessee (-11) at DETROIT – O/U 44: We remember the Titans … back when they had a running game. They won’t score enough to cover this, even against Detroit. Titans 24, Lions 14.
Seattle (+12.5) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Apparently the oddsmakers think the Cowboys are back. Against the Seahawks, who isn’t? Cowboys 34, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 46.5: Are we wrong in thinking all Eagles fans want for Christmas is Andy Reid’s head? Cardinals 26, Eagles 20.
Denver (+7.5) at NY JETS – O/U 47.5: Everything negative we’ve said about Brett Favre this season, well … we still believe all of it, but the old man’s playing pretty well and it won’t stop here. Jets 27, Broncos 21.
San Francisco (+6.5) at BUFFALO – O/U 43: Maybe the most telling thing about the 49ers is their own NFL.com web site has no team news since last week’s loss. Hasn’t Samurai Mike dropped his pants or anything? Bills 24, 49ers 17.
New Orleans (+4) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 48: Bad news for Drew Brees – there may be an actual defense on the field facing him this week. Buccaneers 29, Saints 20.
Carolina (+3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 43: Now we know exactly what those Cheeseheads really represent – the porous Packer secondary. Panthers 24, Packers 20.
NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42: In any other division, Washington might be running away with the title. Instead, they’re about to drop to third place. Giants 22, Racists 16.
Miami (PK) at ST LOUIS – O/U NL: Uhh, does losing Greg Camarillo really make the Dolphins a pick ‘em with the Rams? Wouldn’t they have to field actual dolphins for that to happen? Dolphins 27, Rams 20.
Baltimore (-7) at CINCINNATI – O/U 36.5: Here’s the lead of the NFL.com story on the Bengals’ loss to the Steelers last week: “The Bengals' hand-crafted lineup knitted one of those efforts Thursday night at Heinz Field that had all the homespun traits of heart and grit. But they just didn't have enough yarn to trip up the AFC North-leading Steelers.” Wow. Just wow. Ravens 22, Bengals 16.
Indianapolis (-4.5) at CLEVELAND -- O/U 45: We heard a commentator ask if there was any way the Browns’ players might save head coach Romeo Crennel’s job. Sure there is – if one them finds pictures of Randy Lerner naked with several farm animals, the odds would be 50/50. Colts 24, Browns 20.
Atlanta (+5) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 49: The poor Chargers. We’re pretty sure if they ever got a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter, the blimp would crash onto the field. Chargers 31, Falcons 20.
Pittsburgh (+1) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 40: NFL.com analyst Pat Kirwan thinks Patriots QB Matt Cassel is playing himself into a big free-agent contract. That’s nice, but what we all want to know is – when will he score the requisite model girlfriend? Patriots 23, Steelers 17.
Kansas City (+3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Warning – view this game directly after a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers could cause nausea and vomiting. Raiders 24, Chiefs 20.
Chicago (+3.5) at MINNESOTA – O/U 42.5: Couldn’t Vikings head coach Brad Childress motivate his troops by threatening an all-you-can-eat lutefisk feast if they lose? Vikings 23, Bears 16.
Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON – O/U 48.5: This stinker will have NFL fans cueing up The Boomtown Rats. Texans 24, Jaguars 21.
Lock of the Week: Miami
Trifecta: Miami, New England, Carolina
Week 12 Results:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 6-9-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-260
Season Results:
Straight Up: 112-64
Against The Spread: 81-81-4
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 0-12
Money Count: $-2,380
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Welcome to Week 12 of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still wondering who in the hell would buy stock in a company called mamma.com in the first place.
The Hoser went 10-6 straight up and 8-8 against the spread in Week 10. We did manage to make it three weeks in a row on the Lock, but that allowed us just a paltry $60 gain for the week, and as we found out today, that doesn't even buy you a $^%#ing Lego set any more.
Not football, but does anyone else think the Republicans tanked the presidential election this year? They knew they were toast from the outset, and they knew the new candidate would have a terrible economy and Iraq to handle, right? So why not offer up an aging candidate – and then saddle him with the worst running mate since Lawrence Phillips?
And no, we haven’t been listening to “Coast To Coast AM” – well, not more than normal, anyway.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as standing on the sidewalk outside a high-rise brokerage building.
Cincinnati (+11) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 34.5: Bengals WR Chad Johnson has apparently been deactivated for Thursday night’s game against the Steelers for a violation of a team rule. Funny – we hadn’t noticed he’d been on the field all year. Steelers 30, Bengals 20.
Houston (+3) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49.5: The Texans have started a Pro Bowl campaign for TE Owen Daniels. He should be a lock as long as he avoids that endorsement from Dubya. Browns 27, Texans 22.
Buffalo (-3) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 43.5: You know your season has collapsed when you’re only a field-goal favourite over the Chiefs. Chiefs 22, Bills 20.
New York Jets (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 41: We were shocked to discover Titans QB Kerry Collins is now 13th on the NFL’s all-time passing yardage list. It still doesn’t help him wrest away the title of Greatest Titan Ever away from … Al Del Greco! Titans 20, Jets 17.
New England (+1.5) at MIAMI – O/U 41.5: We still can’t used to the Dolphins being favoured over the Patriots. Is Tony Eason at QB for the Pats tonight? Patriots 22, Dolphins 16.
San Francisco (+10.5) at DALLAS – O/U 47: The NFL head office has reinstated Dallas DB Adam “Pacman” Jones. There was some doubt, but Cowboys lawyers found the “Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Chance” provision in the league’s books. Cowboys 23, 49ers 14.
Tampa Bay (-9) at DETROIT – O/U 41.5: It must be horrible to live in Detroit, read about all the trouble the Big Three are having – and then realize you have to root for the Lions on Sunday. Buccaneers 27, Lions 21.
Philadelphia (+1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: What will the smart Eagles fan get Donovan McNabb this Christmas? Why, a tie, of course! Eagles 23, Ravens 16.
Chicago (-9) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 43: That talk about what a great job Jim Haslett was doing as interim coach has died down dramatically, hasn't it? Bears 26, Rams 10.
Minnesota (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 40: Does anyone else look at the Minnesota sideline and wonder, “When will the Vikings hire Jameson Parker and reunite Simon & Simon?” Jaguars 23, Vikings 19.
Carolina (+1) at ATLANTA – O/U 42.5: We’re not saying Jake Delhomme had a bad game last week, but the Panthers’ front office called us to see if we still had Chris Weinke’s number. Falcons 24, Panthers 20.
Oakland (+10) at DENVER – O/U 43: You know how your career in the NFL as a running back is really over? If the Broncos didn’t call you this week. Broncos 30, Raiders 16.
Washington (-3) at SEATTLE – O/U 41.5: This line’s only moderately possible because the Seahawks have the scoring power of Andrew Squigman. Racists 24, Seahawks 17.
NY Giants (-3) at ARIZONA – O/U 48.5: Reports have surfaced that Cards RB Edgerrin James has requested a trade after getting only five carries in the last three weeks. We’d be more apt to believe agent Drew Rosenhaus must have a house payment coming up and needs a signing-bonus cut. Giants 27, Cards 23.
Indianapolis (+3) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 49.5: Is it just us, or aren’t the Colts pretty clearly better than the Chargers? Colts 27, Chargers 21.
Green Bay (+2.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 52.5: This game is nice for Brett Favre – he can save cell minutes and just drive over to the SuperDome to tell the Saints what to expect from Green Bay. Packers 28, Saints 24.
Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Philadelphia, Green Bay
Week 11 Results:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+60
Season Results:
Straight Up: 103-57
Against The Spread: 75-72-3
Lock of the Week: 6-5
Trifecta: 0-11
Money Count: $-2,120
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Trade show this weekend -- just the picks!
Denver (+6.5) at ATLANTA -- O/U 51: Falcons 30, Broncos 23.
Oakland (+10.5) at MIAMI -- O/U 38: Dolphins 24, Raiders 13.
Baltimore (+7) at N.Y. GIANTS -- O/U 40.5: Giants 31, Ravens 16.
Houston (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS -- O/U 50: Colts 29, Texans 18.
Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE -- O/U 39.5: Titans 21, Jaguars 17.
Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 43.5: Bears 22, Packers 21.
Philadelphia (-9) at CINCINNATI -- O/U 41: Eagles 30, Bengals 23.
New Orleans (-5) at KANSAS CITY -- O/U 50: Saints 28, Chiefs 24.
Detroit (+14) at CAROLINA -- O/U 39.5: Panthers 23, Lions 16.
Minnesota (+4) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 39: Buccaneers 20, Vikings 19.
St. Louis (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO -- O/U 44: 49ers 30, Rams 17.
Arizona (-2.5) at SEATTLE -- O/U 47.5: Cardinals 34, Seahawks 27.
San Diego (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 42.5: Steelers 26, Chargers 17.
Dallas (-1.5) at WASHINGTON -- O/U 43: Racists 23, Cowboys 21.
Cleveland (+4.5) at BUFFALO -- O/U 42.5: Browns 23, Bills 20.
Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Washington, Detroit
Week 10 Results:
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-140
Season Results:
Straight Up: 93-51
Against The Spread: 67-64-3
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 0-10
Money Count: $-2,180
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Welcome to Week Ten of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering if anyone still refers to Calgon as the ancient Chinese secret.
The Hoser went just 8-6 straight up, but hammered out a 10-4 mark against the spread in Week 9, also picking up the Lock of the Week. Frankly, watching the games on Sunday, we were almost sure this would be our worst week ever -- before Detroit and KC helped us out.
This is always one of our most popular weeks of the season -- haiku time! As is also the case in our prognosticating, we have no particular gift in this area. It's just fun, and it's definitely easier than writing sonnets.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Sarah Palin set up your trip to Africa.
Jacksonville (-7) at DETROIT -- O/U 44.5:
Lions fans, no stockings
Christmas has already come
Matt Millen is gone!
Jaguars 28, Lions 20
Tennessee (-3) at CHICAGO -- O/U 39:
It's a horror flick
Look out, Chicago, it's the
Return Of The Grossman!
Titans 20, Bears 14.
Buffalo (+4) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 41.5:
The game's in Foxboro,
which is good -- we bet they have
electricity.
Patriots 21, Bills 20.
New Orleans (PK) at ATLANTA -- O/U 50:
Sarah Palin wants
wolves shot from airplanes, and it's
Michael Vick in jail?
Atlanta 22, New Orleans 20.
St. Louis (+8) at N.Y. JETS -- O/U 45:
What do Brett Favre and
Judge Smails' kid have in common?
They're both prone to picks.
Jets 26, Rams 24.
Seattle (+9) at MIAMI -- O/U 43.5:
Poor Ricky Williams.
His career down the drain like
so much bongwater.
Dolphins 27, Seahawks 17.
Green Bay (+2.5) at MINNESOTA -- O/U 46:
Packer fans must be sad
About Favre's traitorous call
What a LamBonehead.
Vikings 23, Packers 19.
Carolina (-9) at OAKLAND -- O/U 38:
Football thesaurus,
under the listing for "bust":
JaMarcus Russell.
Panthers 22, Raiders 14.
Kansas City (+15) at SAN DIEGO -- O/U 47:
More than two touchdowns?
Did the Chargers just re-sign
Touchdown Danny Fouts?
Chargers 27, Chiefs 17.
Indianapolis (+3) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 40.5:
Eli's the hot one,
But Peyton's still tops in squats
on trainer's faces.
Steelers 26, Colts 21.
New York Giants (+3) at PHILADELPHIA -- O/U 44:
We like the Eagles,
But please remind DeSean J:
"Ball must cross the line!"
Eagles 33, Giants 28.
Baltimore (PK) at HOUSTON -- O/U 41.5:
Spicing up your O
By trying out Houston's Sage?
Trust us -- it ain't thyme.
Ravens 22, Texans 16.
San Francisco (+10) at ARIZONA -- O/U 46:
Hey, Singletary!
The league wants you to have this
free trial of Xanax.
Cardinals 30, 49ers 13.
Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Ravens, St. Louis
Week Nine Results:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 10-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+860
Season Results:
Straight Up: 82-48
Against The Spread: 62-55-3
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 0-9
Money Count: $-2,040
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
